I cant sleep. Ghana is days away. In bed awake, I realize that tomorrow is Friday. I had no idea. Friday means the last night at the Pub with friends. It means driving to West Lafayette. It means only one more night in my bed.
I still need sport bras.
I still need locks for my luggage.
I still need blank page journals.
Let me tell you my fears of Africa and of the Peace Corps. Just this week it occurred to me that one of my biggest fears is not having a great group of fellow volunteers. My Maymester in India came to mind. A group of twenty of us, each a stranger. That group was great because each person was great. Everyone was positive, the were excited to be where we were. Groups were not formed, we were one group and all so dumbfounded with Delhi.
I hope I find the same in the group I fly to Ghana with. But I fear it. They can make it or break it. What if I do not like them, what if I do not fit it? What if they are all real knowledgeable or passionate about agriculture and I am...something else. What if there is something I have not done to prepare? What if they've all been learning Twi (a native language) on their own while I've been re watching Harry Potter?
Fall makes leaving hard. Shopping makes leaving hard. While I'm out searching for duct tape, knee length shorts and Chacos I see the cute fall fashion. The sweaters, cardigans, scarves and shoes I would buy if I were staying, if I had a job. And it gets all the more tempting knowing that is an option. Gee, that new Honda Accord on that commercial looks real real cool, I want one of those. I could stay. I could work. I would work anything, maybe industry, maybe teach...if it meant I could buy all the pretty things I want.
But I'm only getting comfortable and that is generally my que to leave. And if past experience is any indication, my not wanting to go to Africa means that I should go and when I get there I will not want to leave.
I leave my life as I know it. Lunch downtown with Dad, bike trails at night. Home. Farm. Family. Driving. Comfort. Fall. My bed, my room, my pillows. For what? What do I leave it all for? New, different... mud hut.
There is a quote given to me by a friend and I do not have it so I will get it wrong but is says something like:
Everything in Africa bites.
Mosquito bite
The tsetse bite
But what bites the hardest is Africa herself, she will grab hold and never let go.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Monday, July 2, 2012
Chinese Translation - M. Ward
Dr. H.C, let us be honest you are my devoted reader and when I leave, these will all be written to you personally. Maybe. Probably.
Funny thing Dr. H.C sent this link with her thoughts today. If you've not read about Anderson Cooper's coming out, please read this piece
http://andrewsullivan.thedailybeast.com/2012/07/anderson-cooper-the-fact-is-im-gay.html
I would love discuss the respect I have for Anderson Cooper but not now. I thought this was odd because I had not heard anything about it, but I had just asked a housemate their thoughts on gay relations.
I have recently moved into a big house of Methodist students. I call it the Meth House.
I like that there is discussion here. There is intention here. There is thought, care and sometimes genuine and unconditional love.
When asked Spiderman replies, "Everyone has the right to happiness. I'm not going to take that away from anyone," he looks at me. "You know?"
Yeah, I know. Well put, Webbs. Really well put, better than I ever have or ever will put anything.
"Why?" he asks.
There is one at work. One with the Vegan skills that I have not witnessed elsewhere. He is gay and has attached himself to me which I find to be curious. Rarely do people seek me, to hang with me, to talk to me. I am the one to text for random meets, den pops, dinners, talks at the fount. And yet, the Baker seeks my schedule to be sure we have time together. He is young, he smokes, drinks, and parties with the best of em. Post emo, post myspace and on the brink of adulthood, he seeks my thoughts.
Why?
I hate to think he has been burned by religion and upon meeting a loving, nonjudgmental christian has latched on to the idea that God may in fact love him, despite what other Christians have told him. Despite the image of Christianity he has known.
Maybe I am wrong, maybe this has nothing to do with it. More likely, meeting such a christian has revived his faith not in God but in people, and maybe just maybe, God's people.
Tonight at house dinner and devotion the question was posed, "How do you set yourself apart?" In daily life, we are called to be separate. People should know we are different, lights should shine. But do they? What does that look like in your life? How do you set yourself apart? I was ashamed at my answer because I wanted it to be stronger. In all the ways I wished I could answer, I could not. I hold to a few, the big ones, but even those I have thought to abandon.
Do we love as Christ loved? If we did, we would be set apart. People would see. They would know.
Funny thing Dr. H.C sent this link with her thoughts today. If you've not read about Anderson Cooper's coming out, please read this piece
http://andrewsullivan.thedailybeast.com/2012/07/anderson-cooper-the-fact-is-im-gay.html
I would love discuss the respect I have for Anderson Cooper but not now. I thought this was odd because I had not heard anything about it, but I had just asked a housemate their thoughts on gay relations.
I have recently moved into a big house of Methodist students. I call it the Meth House.
I like that there is discussion here. There is intention here. There is thought, care and sometimes genuine and unconditional love.
When asked Spiderman replies, "Everyone has the right to happiness. I'm not going to take that away from anyone," he looks at me. "You know?"
Yeah, I know. Well put, Webbs. Really well put, better than I ever have or ever will put anything.
"Why?" he asks.
There is one at work. One with the Vegan skills that I have not witnessed elsewhere. He is gay and has attached himself to me which I find to be curious. Rarely do people seek me, to hang with me, to talk to me. I am the one to text for random meets, den pops, dinners, talks at the fount. And yet, the Baker seeks my schedule to be sure we have time together. He is young, he smokes, drinks, and parties with the best of em. Post emo, post myspace and on the brink of adulthood, he seeks my thoughts.
Why?
I hate to think he has been burned by religion and upon meeting a loving, nonjudgmental christian has latched on to the idea that God may in fact love him, despite what other Christians have told him. Despite the image of Christianity he has known.
Maybe I am wrong, maybe this has nothing to do with it. More likely, meeting such a christian has revived his faith not in God but in people, and maybe just maybe, God's people.
Tonight at house dinner and devotion the question was posed, "How do you set yourself apart?" In daily life, we are called to be separate. People should know we are different, lights should shine. But do they? What does that look like in your life? How do you set yourself apart? I was ashamed at my answer because I wanted it to be stronger. In all the ways I wished I could answer, I could not. I hold to a few, the big ones, but even those I have thought to abandon.
Do we love as Christ loved? If we did, we would be set apart. People would see. They would know.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
How to Love - Lil Wayne
Girls drives me crazy.
I love my job because I get to be nice to people, make conversation and be social without them thinking I'm weird because I dont know them. This also means 1. I get to meet awesome people. 2. I get to observe people (creeeeoerrr) and 3. I GET TO HEAR THEIR CONVERSATIONS. (and the stupid embarrassing things they say).
There is one girl. And I love coffee houses because they are a great place for conversation, (and always have been, go take HORT306 Tropical Hort, it talks coffee house history) Last night I overheard her telling a man 'What love means to me." I was embarrassed for her.
And today, I'm here studying and I hear these two and the one says "...and thats why hes in this emotional crisis right now." Oh honey. I'm sorry but lets be real. Lets not confuse your emotions and feelings for his, because I highly doubt he would say hes in an emotional crisis. I almost lol'd. But that would be rude!
My manager just came over and threatened me with his fists because I texted him at 1:00a this morning asking where the feta was. Apparently its in the big white tub and I am ridiculous.
I love my job because I get to be nice to people, make conversation and be social without them thinking I'm weird because I dont know them. This also means 1. I get to meet awesome people. 2. I get to observe people (creeeeoerrr) and 3. I GET TO HEAR THEIR CONVERSATIONS. (and the stupid embarrassing things they say).
There is one girl. And I love coffee houses because they are a great place for conversation, (and always have been, go take HORT306 Tropical Hort, it talks coffee house history) Last night I overheard her telling a man 'What love means to me." I was embarrassed for her.
And today, I'm here studying and I hear these two and the one says "...and thats why hes in this emotional crisis right now." Oh honey. I'm sorry but lets be real. Lets not confuse your emotions and feelings for his, because I highly doubt he would say hes in an emotional crisis. I almost lol'd. But that would be rude!
My manager just came over and threatened me with his fists because I texted him at 1:00a this morning asking where the feta was. Apparently its in the big white tub and I am ridiculous.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Brown Eyed Girl - Green Day
7p on Friday night. Math lab. Statistics due at midnight.
I hate facebook so much. I dont care. I just dont care about your life. Why am I updated about it? I dont care.
How many days have I been wearing this shirt? It smells. It smells like vacation, when you're only allowed to bring one bag, so you only brought 3 t-shirts and maybe you didnt wear this shirt yesterday but you've worn it multiple days and you dont care until now.
I hate facebook so much. I dont care. I just dont care about your life. Why am I updated about it? I dont care.
How many days have I been wearing this shirt? It smells. It smells like vacation, when you're only allowed to bring one bag, so you only brought 3 t-shirts and maybe you didnt wear this shirt yesterday but you've worn it multiple days and you dont care until now.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Daylight - Matt and Kim
Its official. I have been nominated into the PEACECORPS. Into SUB SAHARAN AFRICA with a tentative departure date of OCTOBER 2012.
During my interview my recruiter said there were still positions open for the end of the year but that I would probs be leaving early 2013. Nope.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKK. I cant believe this is really happening.
I had to look up a map of Sub Saharan Africa. Its pretty much all of Africa, minus the north.
While at Purdue I had a great friends names Carissa Jae McKay (her blog: http://www.throughsmokeandfire.blogspot.com/) she too was nominated into Sub Saharan Africa and then when the official invite came, she was invited to the Middle East, into some country I have never heard of and cannot spell.
This is the only thing I feel called to do. I think I was made for this. I do not question. At a Joshua House party last week I was telling one of the boys about it and he said,
"Do you think God is calling you into the PeaceCorps?" I forget what I said but he alluded to the fact that "Wow, what a test of faith. Wouldn't such an extreme call make you question? Falter? Doubt?" And honestly, no it doesn't at all. Theres nothing I've been more sure of, no direction I've been so drawn to.
It occurred to me this week while walking on campus. All the crap I hate about Purdue, (I love Purdue) but this whole time. The fact that I left and went to Ireland in search of something more. The fact that I've NEVER felt like I fit in to the Ag school and spent years trying...this is what its all been for.
THIS IS WHAT ITS ALL BEEN FOR. I'm going into the Ag sector and I have no idea what I'll be doing but it will most likely be education.
There are those on staff at Purdue that hate the different path. They want you out in four years. They want you to teach Ag. Education in Indiana. They want you here, and they've never understood my drive to be anywhere but. For a long time I've felt so misunderstood, too different for this community, and then bam, your dreams come true and it was all worth it.
I say this now. Talk to me in 10 months when I'm living in a mud hut with no electricity or running water.
During my interview my recruiter said there were still positions open for the end of the year but that I would probs be leaving early 2013. Nope.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKK. I cant believe this is really happening.
I had to look up a map of Sub Saharan Africa. Its pretty much all of Africa, minus the north.
While at Purdue I had a great friends names Carissa Jae McKay (her blog: http://www.throughsmokeandfire.blogspot.com/) she too was nominated into Sub Saharan Africa and then when the official invite came, she was invited to the Middle East, into some country I have never heard of and cannot spell.
This is the only thing I feel called to do. I think I was made for this. I do not question. At a Joshua House party last week I was telling one of the boys about it and he said,
"Do you think God is calling you into the PeaceCorps?" I forget what I said but he alluded to the fact that "Wow, what a test of faith. Wouldn't such an extreme call make you question? Falter? Doubt?" And honestly, no it doesn't at all. Theres nothing I've been more sure of, no direction I've been so drawn to.
It occurred to me this week while walking on campus. All the crap I hate about Purdue, (I love Purdue) but this whole time. The fact that I left and went to Ireland in search of something more. The fact that I've NEVER felt like I fit in to the Ag school and spent years trying...this is what its all been for.
THIS IS WHAT ITS ALL BEEN FOR. I'm going into the Ag sector and I have no idea what I'll be doing but it will most likely be education.
There are those on staff at Purdue that hate the different path. They want you out in four years. They want you to teach Ag. Education in Indiana. They want you here, and they've never understood my drive to be anywhere but. For a long time I've felt so misunderstood, too different for this community, and then bam, your dreams come true and it was all worth it.
I say this now. Talk to me in 10 months when I'm living in a mud hut with no electricity or running water.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
I Wish I Could Change Your Mind - Ray LaMontagne
Tonight I completed the PeaceCorp application. Its been done for about a year but I've never submitted it, that is until tonight.
Tonight I sit on a bed set up in the "office" that was once my bedroom. Liza and the baby in one bedroom, Morgan in another, Mom and Dad in theirs and I in...mine.
Dad is backing up files on the compute in this office/...bedroom as I was completing the application.
"Dad, so I checked on this application that I don't care where in the world I go. But they give like eight different regions, so where would you go?"
"When did you get saved again?"
.
"...I don't really follow in years...summer after freshmen year I think?" I can tell you my time and place. I can tell you what I found was finally holding me back, I know it was 4th of July and at the Indy Youth Weekend. I do not know which day it was, the day or the hour. I just know it happened.
He said nothing. "Why? You think I'm gonna die over there?"
"I don't know!" Pause. He is flossing. He looks at me and raises his eyebrows. "What if we get raptured outta here?! I wanna see ya!"
Tonight I sit on a bed set up in the "office" that was once my bedroom. Liza and the baby in one bedroom, Morgan in another, Mom and Dad in theirs and I in...mine.
Dad is backing up files on the compute in this office/...bedroom as I was completing the application.
"Dad, so I checked on this application that I don't care where in the world I go. But they give like eight different regions, so where would you go?"
"When did you get saved again?"
.
"...I don't really follow in years...summer after freshmen year I think?" I can tell you my time and place. I can tell you what I found was finally holding me back, I know it was 4th of July and at the Indy Youth Weekend. I do not know which day it was, the day or the hour. I just know it happened.
He said nothing. "Why? You think I'm gonna die over there?"
"I don't know!" Pause. He is flossing. He looks at me and raises his eyebrows. "What if we get raptured outta here?! I wanna see ya!"
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Nicki Minaj - Fly
Moved back to Purdue tonight. I'm so happy to be here but saying goodbye is tough no matter what.
Theres an excitement in just being here, in this house. Shawty has a new boyfriend and he is the one, she was telling me about this as LaRawnda came in on her cell. She flashed her new engagement ring. It glitters.
Tonight is the first basketball game of the season.
Excitement.
Theres something about coming back to campus that makes you want to buy running shoes really bad. Maybe its because everyone is running, and at all times.
Also, I just really really enjoy being around so many boys my age. It is a very nice feeling. I really enjoy simply being surrounded by people my own age but there something about being separated from college aged boys that makes you all the happier to live among them again.
Theres an excitement in just being here, in this house. Shawty has a new boyfriend and he is the one, she was telling me about this as LaRawnda came in on her cell. She flashed her new engagement ring. It glitters.
Tonight is the first basketball game of the season.
Excitement.
Theres something about coming back to campus that makes you want to buy running shoes really bad. Maybe its because everyone is running, and at all times.
Also, I just really really enjoy being around so many boys my age. It is a very nice feeling. I really enjoy simply being surrounded by people my own age but there something about being separated from college aged boys that makes you all the happier to live among them again.
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