22

Today is my birthday, the rents are coming up and bringing Anna. I cant wait to see her. I never see her, Em, or Dan but they are and forever will be my best friends. I was thinking today how amazing it is to have such friends, what makes them so? Time I guess. Love. Understanding. Truth.

Thats not what this post is about.

I know that people who go abroad cant stop talking about their experience. I know its annoying and I am sorry. But honestly, what I tell you is only half of what happened and only a fraction of what I am thinking about ALL THE TIME.

Lately I struggle. Do I go back? An issue I struggled with before I left. I am holding on to something I should let go of. It was one great semester, it came and it went and I cannot go back and do it over and yet I feel I have to try. Sometimes the ways in which I do not fit in here creep back into my mind and I dream of being in the Blackhole with Elaine and Bev. Things are just different.

Last night Sinead (the new UCD exchange) came out to Nine Irish with us. She was so terrified that they would kick her out because all she had to wear were Ugg boots. When I called she said "No seriously, all I have in converse and Uggs, do you really think I'd be let in?" I could not help but to laugh a little, half of our group were in jeans and Ts and Sinead looking fab thought she'd be kicked out. In Dublin, ye would have been. This whole idea brought to my memory the first night I went out in Dublin. Cormac came to pick me up and I wore jeans and a button up flannel and I asked "Do you think this is okay to wear?" But I didnt really ask to get an answer, haha so when he told me all the girls would be in dresses I replied "Oh I think this is fine." (What a dumpy stupid American, I'm-gonna-do-it-my-way idea!) How nieve I was! But this is a prime example of the epic-ness that is the irish ag girls. We walked into the Blackhole and with in (literally) 5 minutes, they had me in a little black dress, heels and accessories. I was thrown clothes and suggestions, hair makeup and we were gone. It didnt occur to me until last night that what they did was out of kindness sure, but it was what needed to be done because I simply would not have been let in.

And so, today I dream of going back. Showing up on Elaines doorstep to suprise her. Bringing a round at the pub with no ones previous knowledge of my being there. Suprise!! I'm back! Now lets be how we were before!! I know it wouldnt be, but if only for a night. If only for my closure.

I just want away from here. I want somewhere new that I've never seen. I want to see people. I want to be scared. That fear of being on your own, getting to new places all by yourself. Last night Sinead was telling me about Galway. I went to Galway with Dad and wasnt very impressed but she tells me its better than Dublin for night life. She tells me of a big rock they jump off of into the ocean. She says "Four year olds do it, its totally safe. I grew up doing it."

She grew up doing it. What did I grow up doing? Chasing trains. Today I chase dreams. I chase pavements. Today I am 22 and as I reflect on my life I am surrounded by blessings that are friends, family, good tea and good church. I've had a blessed life and I feel that I have so much more to do. But should I die at this age, I have led a brilliant life, and I wouldnt redo a second (maybe there are things I would take back, that feels like a different post all its own). I have been blessed with what I feel is an already fulfilled life. I know my God. I am ready to go should I be called. That is peace. That is love. That is joy.

(In the way of my dad) AAAAAAAmen.