I don't know how much more I can take.
After much thought here is the conclusion I have come to: My Dad sees God everywhere and in all things. In different faiths, people, walks, and ways.
To others in my family God looks one way and only one way. I struggle. I am seen as worldly.
MY walk with God MY relationship is GRAND. Mind YOURS. Just because mine doesnt look like yours, doesnt mean its not as good or as real.
Theres one who can't stand it. Its constant, this telling me how to live as if I do not know how. Its funny how I have grown so much since I've left home. Lived on my own for 4 years. I work. I cook. I clean. I get decent grades. I pay for everything. And yet, I have to be told to pull up my shirt becuase its too low to video chat. MIND YOURS. I GOT THIS. THANKS.
I've pin pointed the goal of this experience. Silence. I think those who can hold their tongue, think and not smolder are the wisest of us all.
I seek wisdom. They seek to be right.
Next time I skype Ireland, I'm doing it topless. That is my right. They're always half necked anyway.
I wont really. But like all things, I can if I want. A concept others cant wrap their heads around.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Life On Earth- Band of Horses
Is this what life outside of college looks like?
I have no friends. My friends are spread across the country chasing the dreams they've been preparing themselves for. I am here in Indy.
My family has gone to the farm and I've stayed to grade papers. Thought I'd hang with Red but shes gone back to school in Ohio.
I'll finish grading and swim. Then what? This morning sister Bee came in like the whirlwind she is and I told her bluntly my problem because I know shes been there.
"This is great that you have recognized this and you're proactive about it. People are stupid and think friendship is going to come to them. Its not."
"It does in college."
"Alyssa its a great time to be in Indianapolis. Anyone who's doing anything in Indy right now is your age." She made this sound like people putting effort into something, people with projects or passions.
"I'm not looking to make a difference. I dont want to change anything." I just want friends.
"I know. Theres just a lot happening right now. A lot going on. Its a great time to be here.
And you need to start hanging out with cousins. I do too."
"They must often change, who would be constant in happiness or wisdom."
-Confucius
I have no friends. My friends are spread across the country chasing the dreams they've been preparing themselves for. I am here in Indy.
My family has gone to the farm and I've stayed to grade papers. Thought I'd hang with Red but shes gone back to school in Ohio.
I'll finish grading and swim. Then what? This morning sister Bee came in like the whirlwind she is and I told her bluntly my problem because I know shes been there.
"This is great that you have recognized this and you're proactive about it. People are stupid and think friendship is going to come to them. Its not."
"It does in college."
"Alyssa its a great time to be in Indianapolis. Anyone who's doing anything in Indy right now is your age." She made this sound like people putting effort into something, people with projects or passions.
"I'm not looking to make a difference. I dont want to change anything." I just want friends.
"I know. Theres just a lot happening right now. A lot going on. Its a great time to be here.
And you need to start hanging out with cousins. I do too."
"They must often change, who would be constant in happiness or wisdom."
-Confucius
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Starbucks Jazz
The internet is out at home. As I got in the car to go to church today I had a quick change of heart and left Morgan to go alone.
I start teaching tomorrow and last I heard from my prof. if I didnt meet a deadline, I'd meet step two of three in getting kicked out of my program. I'll be honest, I dont know the next deadline or what he wants. I turned in lesson plans and I've spent the last two days with my teacher preparing for Monday. I'm ready. Atleast I think I'm ready, my guess is theres something I'm missing that will come back to bite me. The move from Purdue to home to Purdue to Spain to home has left my possessions spread everywhere and nowhere, I cant my timeline or cell charger.
I ride to the downtown library. The only complete bike in my house is my mountain bike. I feel like a big newbie riding downtown on a mountain bike. Moutain bikes in the city are for people who dont know any better or people who dont have the skill to come on and off curbs with out popping tires.
I havent ridden this town for 4 years and the memory of short cuts, alleys and side streets come only after I pass them.
The library was closed. This is what one of the custodial staff told me outside.
"But if you tell them you're going to church, they'll let you in."
I did give up church for this. Library doesnt open for a couple hours. I lie and say Im going to church but feel dishonest about lying and too sweaty to walk into the church and make it truth. Im downtown and need WIFI. Starbucks. And the nearest is the circle. So here I am.
No informative or threatening emails from higher ups--thats good. So I sit and drink my water and remember life in Indy before it was cool. Is GenCon in town? I think it is.
Before the starbucks girls talked about getting their hair cut in the Murphy building. Before the Murphy building and Fountain Square were cool. Back when we'd ride our bikes to the 'candy store' that was Skips Market, before it closed and the artists and Starbucks customers moved in. Back when it was drug dealers, old scary men and kids with dirty faces and no shoes on.
Its hot today and I'm brutally reminded that I've returned to downtown city life, and my bike is my main source of transportation.
Its not all bad, its just different from what I remember. Last night at circle center I bought 56 dollar shoes for 12 dollars, even thats a harsh reality. I've left school and the greatest job, greatest paying job I've ever had. My days of financial independence have come to a screeching halt thanks to student teaching and I am back under the parents thumb.
I told mom this and she said "Wait, what? We have to support you?! Will we have to give you a stipend?! An allowance?!"
"Would you Mom?! That would be so nice."
I start teaching tomorrow and last I heard from my prof. if I didnt meet a deadline, I'd meet step two of three in getting kicked out of my program. I'll be honest, I dont know the next deadline or what he wants. I turned in lesson plans and I've spent the last two days with my teacher preparing for Monday. I'm ready. Atleast I think I'm ready, my guess is theres something I'm missing that will come back to bite me. The move from Purdue to home to Purdue to Spain to home has left my possessions spread everywhere and nowhere, I cant my timeline or cell charger.
I ride to the downtown library. The only complete bike in my house is my mountain bike. I feel like a big newbie riding downtown on a mountain bike. Moutain bikes in the city are for people who dont know any better or people who dont have the skill to come on and off curbs with out popping tires.
I havent ridden this town for 4 years and the memory of short cuts, alleys and side streets come only after I pass them.
The library was closed. This is what one of the custodial staff told me outside.
"But if you tell them you're going to church, they'll let you in."
I did give up church for this. Library doesnt open for a couple hours. I lie and say Im going to church but feel dishonest about lying and too sweaty to walk into the church and make it truth. Im downtown and need WIFI. Starbucks. And the nearest is the circle. So here I am.
No informative or threatening emails from higher ups--thats good. So I sit and drink my water and remember life in Indy before it was cool. Is GenCon in town? I think it is.
Before the starbucks girls talked about getting their hair cut in the Murphy building. Before the Murphy building and Fountain Square were cool. Back when we'd ride our bikes to the 'candy store' that was Skips Market, before it closed and the artists and Starbucks customers moved in. Back when it was drug dealers, old scary men and kids with dirty faces and no shoes on.
Its hot today and I'm brutally reminded that I've returned to downtown city life, and my bike is my main source of transportation.
Its not all bad, its just different from what I remember. Last night at circle center I bought 56 dollar shoes for 12 dollars, even thats a harsh reality. I've left school and the greatest job, greatest paying job I've ever had. My days of financial independence have come to a screeching halt thanks to student teaching and I am back under the parents thumb.
I told mom this and she said "Wait, what? We have to support you?! Will we have to give you a stipend?! An allowance?!"
"Would you Mom?! That would be so nice."
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