22

Today is my birthday, the rents are coming up and bringing Anna. I cant wait to see her. I never see her, Em, or Dan but they are and forever will be my best friends. I was thinking today how amazing it is to have such friends, what makes them so? Time I guess. Love. Understanding. Truth.

Thats not what this post is about.

I know that people who go abroad cant stop talking about their experience. I know its annoying and I am sorry. But honestly, what I tell you is only half of what happened and only a fraction of what I am thinking about ALL THE TIME.

Lately I struggle. Do I go back? An issue I struggled with before I left. I am holding on to something I should let go of. It was one great semester, it came and it went and I cannot go back and do it over and yet I feel I have to try. Sometimes the ways in which I do not fit in here creep back into my mind and I dream of being in the Blackhole with Elaine and Bev. Things are just different.

Last night Sinead (the new UCD exchange) came out to Nine Irish with us. She was so terrified that they would kick her out because all she had to wear were Ugg boots. When I called she said "No seriously, all I have in converse and Uggs, do you really think I'd be let in?" I could not help but to laugh a little, half of our group were in jeans and Ts and Sinead looking fab thought she'd be kicked out. In Dublin, ye would have been. This whole idea brought to my memory the first night I went out in Dublin. Cormac came to pick me up and I wore jeans and a button up flannel and I asked "Do you think this is okay to wear?" But I didnt really ask to get an answer, haha so when he told me all the girls would be in dresses I replied "Oh I think this is fine." (What a dumpy stupid American, I'm-gonna-do-it-my-way idea!) How nieve I was! But this is a prime example of the epic-ness that is the irish ag girls. We walked into the Blackhole and with in (literally) 5 minutes, they had me in a little black dress, heels and accessories. I was thrown clothes and suggestions, hair makeup and we were gone. It didnt occur to me until last night that what they did was out of kindness sure, but it was what needed to be done because I simply would not have been let in.

And so, today I dream of going back. Showing up on Elaines doorstep to suprise her. Bringing a round at the pub with no ones previous knowledge of my being there. Suprise!! I'm back! Now lets be how we were before!! I know it wouldnt be, but if only for a night. If only for my closure.

I just want away from here. I want somewhere new that I've never seen. I want to see people. I want to be scared. That fear of being on your own, getting to new places all by yourself. Last night Sinead was telling me about Galway. I went to Galway with Dad and wasnt very impressed but she tells me its better than Dublin for night life. She tells me of a big rock they jump off of into the ocean. She says "Four year olds do it, its totally safe. I grew up doing it."

She grew up doing it. What did I grow up doing? Chasing trains. Today I chase dreams. I chase pavements. Today I am 22 and as I reflect on my life I am surrounded by blessings that are friends, family, good tea and good church. I've had a blessed life and I feel that I have so much more to do. But should I die at this age, I have led a brilliant life, and I wouldnt redo a second (maybe there are things I would take back, that feels like a different post all its own). I have been blessed with what I feel is an already fulfilled life. I know my God. I am ready to go should I be called. That is peace. That is love. That is joy.

(In the way of my dad) AAAAAAAmen.

I Will Walk 500 Miles

6:15 in the morning and i cant go back to sleep after taking Hazel te catch her bus to Chicago. The co-op living room is a mess of possessions left behind by the Irish from a life they briefly lived here. A constant reminder that no matter how long I sit in the living room, Jim Power will never again knock on the door. He wont come watch Glee, we will not play basketball.

I sit among hangers, comforters, toiletries, pillows, detergent, an unreal amount of pennies, Hazels assortment of unwanted but gorgeous european clothing, and best and most cherished of all, a UCD Hurling hoodie, hurleys and schlitar (spelled the way Jim says it) and a claddaugh from Paud. Because he is honest to God, the cutest, sweetest man I've ever met in my life. (Except when we're puckin around and he calls me slow.) Theres no denying this accusation Padraig, (or Padre as every white american called you this semester) in fact I went to Vons attempting a different size and the lady behind the counter said that exact same thing. "I loved listening to him talk, I loved his accent. He was so sweet. Such a sweetheart." Have I not said those exact words all semester??? Needless to say, my hormonal self started crying. Crying. In Vons. I left, cried home and am not exchanging the ring. It can form to my hand for all I care.

Haha, just as I begin to think about sleep, which would really be just lying in my bed dreaming of Ireland...skype informs me that irish kids currently home in Ireland have come online. Class timing kids, for the first time ever being 5 hours behind you pays off.

So travel well my Irish besties that I've been blessed to know. Go way. Go way home and love what you have and where you'll always be from.

13 weeks till we shall meet again.

Time

What a webbed post 'Time' can be. Remember that time? What time is it? Let me tell you, as I pull the pocket watch hanging round my neck. For this is my new obsession. I've already spent my entire shopping budget on pocketwatch necklaces. Antiquey looking ones because I think they're fabulous. Speaking of fabluous I've just come from the Hookah bar where I've seen the Emma Gray, in town for one night and one night only visiting us from lovely London. She tells me it is gross and smelly there. Remember that time? At camp, summer 2008 when...well honestly we didnt talk about camp. We talked about the now because thats whats interesting.

Walking home smelling like gross, but loving that I went and maybe its the Hookah but I just feel good. Its November and its not cold, I feel good in my skin. Walk through campus at 2 in the morning and tell me its not gorgeous. Maybe its the orange glow of lights. Maybe I'm sentimental. But I feel good here, it took being away and it took a while being back but I am happy I am here and I am happy with the time I've had here. This is mine. In Ireland, we helped Bev moved all her things from her apt to her car at the end of term. We all know that feeling, the sadness to leave school and the pride in being done. There was a sense though, that UCDublin, it wasnt mine, it was Bevs. Bev had countless memories there and friendships she will take through life whereas I had a semesters worth. Purdue is mine, it belongs to me and I to it just as it belonged to my father, my sister, my cousin and my best friends. I still clap everytime I go through the clapping cirlce, I drink from the lion fountain, I sit on the cold stone of the engineering fountain where I've had countless one on one, deep, soul searching talks with friends. I've stood multiple times on the top of the University street parking garage at night and I've spit. This is mine. Good times.

I cannot stop thinking about Dublin. In the field all day long and literally all I think about is nights out in Dublin, days at school with ags, the blackhole with Elaine and Bev and of course Kate MeGarry. I replay every memory over and over. They make me smile, sigh laugh out loud and attract weird looks from those around me.

I cant stop thinking about how to get back. How? When? Do I really want to make my undergrad 5 years for it? Do I really want to be over there for graduate school? Could I really live my life there away from my family?

The moon was really cool tonight, and the stars were bright. I love campus in summer, its a bit more boring but there were still people chilling on the mall at midnight, still people at the bars and I still run into familiar faces on the street.

Indiana summers. Blue skies, thunderstorms and lightning bugs. Wind tubines and crop fields as far as the eye can see. Sunblock EVERYday.

Kings of Leon, I hope I never get sick of you.

Dad and I cut our adventure short and came back to Dublin a day early to see museums and such. Friday we caught the bus to Galway, Sat we went into Headford and rode to Cong. Sunday from Cong to Clifden and Monday, Clifden to Inis Mor the Aran Island. Its good to be back and not on the road. I am incredibly sunburned.

The us from Galway last night gave me lots to think about. It was three hours of memories from this semester. I keep telling dad I'm going to live here and as we note differences between here and home, it makes me want to stay more. I told him how I smoked hookah and he told of the hookah bar that opened down the street from my high school. Its just different. When Hookah is on the south side of Indianapolis, consumed by a bunch of Manual High School kids thinking they're real cool and somewhat different or rebelious and you compare it to a bunch of Spanish, German, French and Americans college students sitting on a green lawn in Dublin smoking Hookah...its just different. It isnt trashy it is was it is with no connotation good or bad associated with it.

I've not been in that Hookah bar so I shouldnt say its trashy because I dont know. I imagine the Kmart across the street, its giant parking lot. That doesnt exist here, wasted space. I guess it isnt wasted space its for the cars that everyone drives filled with the fuel everyone uses. That doesnt exist here. Theres is a conciousness for what is right that doesnt exist at home. Everyone recycles, people use public transit or bikes more than cars. People have a general respect for eachother and I think it shows. Granted, I'm in south County Dublin, were I north of the river I may have a different opinion.

I Dont Do Goodbye

I really cant do goodbye. Cant we pretend its see you later even though we may never see eachother again? Its sad for sure but I just cant handle goodbye, I cant accept them. I cant bring myself to cry, but I feel like crying. My heart hurts saying goodbye to Irish kids I cant stand it. To think of all the memories we made and all that they have done for me, all they have been..okay now I cry, like a baby.

Elaine Dempsey-Oh i cant even do this. I mean to blog about each one of them and give short description of who they are and how they will be remembered, but I dont know that I'm strong enough. Elaine, Bev, PJ, Cormac, Rob the Pirate, Pa, Daryl, and Erika, you mean more than ya know, and I'll miss you. And Kate Megarry who gets a shout out all her own because if I return, it will be for her, we may be soul sisters-I have to pursue her.

I left the Black Hole (their apartment) this morning, Bevs' mom was up to move her out and as we packed the car and they left, I thought of Purdue and how it feels when everyone is leaving for the summer. And I walked to the bus stop, and walked home and I realize...this is theirs. I've been blessed, absolutely blessed to experience it and meet all those that I've met...but I have my own...my own world...this is theirs, mine is elsewhere.

Its goodbye for everyone. It sounds way stupid but it is the closing of a chapter and thats the best way to look at it. Theres something more coming.

I walk alone and I pray blessings on those that have come to mean so much to me. At camp-and this is cheesey I know but its true and I love it. At camp, at the end of the week the night before everyone leaves we tell the kids, people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. And on that note, I cant even be sad to leave them. I just feel so good for meeting them. I've met you, we've had great times and its been a dream of a semester that I will often OFTEN day dream of when I sit in lecture this fall. But I have to go back to my life now.

Two weeks and two days from this moment I will be in a wheat field in northern Indiana, living in West Lafayette, drinking Den Pops and seeing the stars at night. But I will lay down to sleep and think of the Irish.

I made it all the way to Bray today and I'm a little proud I didnt whimp out and bring a bus or train back. On the way home it started pouring but it was all down hill so I kept going, just wanting to get home. Thats when I got a flat tire. You should see the inch long peice of glass I took out of my tire. It was raining! And I couldnt get it out so I had to remove it with my teeth. Gross right? I felt pretty BA. Then I found a tree to sit under to fix it. Ever tried to dry rubber cement in the rain? Its possible.