There is something about Oren Lavie that just makes my heart smile.
I've three days left student teaching.
Tonight I ran into my high school science teacher in the check out at Walmart he said "Did you know Christa (Somebody)? Did you know she works back in electronics? I just saw her."
"No I didn't know that! I didn't go back there." He smiled and nodded, "If you want to see people you went to high school with, come to Walmart." I smiled and nodded and the cashier girl chimed in "Ya I know! I always see people I went to high school with here!"
I smiled and nodded.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
No Ones Gonna Love You - Band of Horses
Band of Horses is the only thing that makes me feel okay.
Teaching is wearing on me and I'm beginning to think I do not want to teach. I'm tired of them asking why. I said so thats why, now do it. And how many concussions can one team have? I feel like every freshman football boy has missed class due to concussions. I'm tired of excuses, their inability to manage time and their inability to read. Do you know how many high school students are reading at a third grade level? Its a lot.
Today the only time I smiled was at the end of the day when a bunch of non concussed freshmen came in talking about the Pokemon tournament going on in the cafeteria. "Only the coolest kids in school are going to be there!" Their excitement about Pokemon is the light I wish I had.
Teaching is wearing on me and I'm beginning to think I do not want to teach. I'm tired of them asking why. I said so thats why, now do it. And how many concussions can one team have? I feel like every freshman football boy has missed class due to concussions. I'm tired of excuses, their inability to manage time and their inability to read. Do you know how many high school students are reading at a third grade level? Its a lot.
Today the only time I smiled was at the end of the day when a bunch of non concussed freshmen came in talking about the Pokemon tournament going on in the cafeteria. "Only the coolest kids in school are going to be there!" Their excitement about Pokemon is the light I wish I had.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Party Rock Anthem - LMFAO
You do not understand how badly I want to be a girl version of LMFAO. I think they are the coolest. I want to wear pants like they wear and dance how they dance.
The dance kids in my class are the only thing that make me happy. Sometimes I randomly demand they dance and then they do. Last week I taught myself how to dougie (compliments of GLEE) but refuse to show them...I dont trust my moves with out a mirror.
You might not know I am obsessed with Postsecret.com. I've never sent one but a few weeks ago I saw one featuring Purdue's campus. I read this one today and deeply wish it were written to me:
I dont think it was. But I wish it was.
Its official that I'm going 5 years for school. I dont mind that much, I'm not ready for work to be my life. This morning I started my search for where I'm going to study abroad next semester. As much as I love Ireland, I feel like I need to let it go. The world is too big to go to the same place twice.
Speaking of letting go. I had a hard core break down this month and I ended up riding my bike around the ghetto about 11:00pm. I love the ghetto because people are always out and funnily enough, this always makes me feel safe. Almost midnight and mothers are walking with strollers, people are on their porches and I still recognize people from high school. Classic.
The break down was due to many things. Living at home sucks. No one talks to me, I dont talk to anyone and all I do is work for student teaching WHICH I feel like I'm failing at. I just found out about the 5 year deal, was yelled at by an advisor AND I had just accepted that Ireland is probably never happening ever again in my life and that really sucks the most. So in this rage, as I go to hang my bike I see the hurler and schliter Jim left as a gift to my family. I stood and the door attempting thought before I grabbed the thing walked strait to the trash behind our house and tossed it in.
I just want every memory of Ireland gone.
That night Dad came to talk and I told him if he wanted it, it was in the trash (technically Jim left it to him).
"Hey I want that, it shouldnt be thrown away." Shuts door. Opens door, "Unless you have a personal reason for getting rid of it, in which case thats fine." Ha! What a genius.
THEN I came home today and FOUND THE THING SITTING BY THE BACK DOOR. Mom thought it was trashed by mistake.
.
Also, theres a mouse in our house. It just crawled out from under the couch I'm on. Its a baby. Its cute but its dumb.
The dance kids in my class are the only thing that make me happy. Sometimes I randomly demand they dance and then they do. Last week I taught myself how to dougie (compliments of GLEE) but refuse to show them...I dont trust my moves with out a mirror.
You might not know I am obsessed with Postsecret.com. I've never sent one but a few weeks ago I saw one featuring Purdue's campus. I read this one today and deeply wish it were written to me:
I dont think it was. But I wish it was.
Its official that I'm going 5 years for school. I dont mind that much, I'm not ready for work to be my life. This morning I started my search for where I'm going to study abroad next semester. As much as I love Ireland, I feel like I need to let it go. The world is too big to go to the same place twice.
Speaking of letting go. I had a hard core break down this month and I ended up riding my bike around the ghetto about 11:00pm. I love the ghetto because people are always out and funnily enough, this always makes me feel safe. Almost midnight and mothers are walking with strollers, people are on their porches and I still recognize people from high school. Classic.
The break down was due to many things. Living at home sucks. No one talks to me, I dont talk to anyone and all I do is work for student teaching WHICH I feel like I'm failing at. I just found out about the 5 year deal, was yelled at by an advisor AND I had just accepted that Ireland is probably never happening ever again in my life and that really sucks the most. So in this rage, as I go to hang my bike I see the hurler and schliter Jim left as a gift to my family. I stood and the door attempting thought before I grabbed the thing walked strait to the trash behind our house and tossed it in.
I just want every memory of Ireland gone.
That night Dad came to talk and I told him if he wanted it, it was in the trash (technically Jim left it to him).
"Hey I want that, it shouldnt be thrown away." Shuts door. Opens door, "Unless you have a personal reason for getting rid of it, in which case thats fine." Ha! What a genius.
THEN I came home today and FOUND THE THING SITTING BY THE BACK DOOR. Mom thought it was trashed by mistake.
.
Also, theres a mouse in our house. It just crawled out from under the couch I'm on. Its a baby. Its cute but its dumb.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Human- The Killers
This is Paud Keane's song and I think of him when I hear it. I think of the Joshua House party. I've stopped wearing my claddaugh because my life needs to exist here and now and when I wear it, my thoughts and feelings are in the past and in Ireland.
I've always talked about going five years for my degree and going back to IE for the heck of it, because that's how much I miss it.
This week my classes were canceled because tuition wasn't paid. I need my STAT class to graduate and here's where the IE dream comes to be a real possibility. I've missed a week of this class now...and I'm a little stressed with student teaching as it is...maybe I put off STAT and go another semester...maybe that semester is in IE.
As much as I've dreamt of this, when it becomes a serious reality...I seriously question its sanity.
I know that if I go back, it will not be the same as last time...I'm not looking for it to be. My main reason for wanting to go back is the fact that I feel like I did it wrong the first time. Why didn't I join more clubs? Why did I spend so much time in my room alone? Why didn't I see more of the country? Why didn't I do something cool and new every weekend?
I really want to see Jim, Paud, Hazel and Bev. But when I think of them, I think of the bad parts of being abroad. I don't want to do the lonely again. I don't want to go 3 months without church again. I DON'T WANT TO DO THE SCHOOL AGAIN. I love college and I love learning, but if I don't have to be writing research papers, why would I?
Fact is, this is seriously the last time I can do this...that's a driving factor. After this year, none of us will be in college and all of us will be spread around the world. If I ever want to have nights out with Irish friends ever again, it has to be done now.
Another driving factor? ...I don't think I can get into Ireland without a legit reason like studying.
This dilemma has consumed my thoughts this week.
What am I supposed to when I am called no where? To do nothing? We're supposed to pray about everything. But I get no answer either way...so am I allowed to make a call here? I'm pretty sure I'm not getting an answer because I want to be told I can go to IE, and He hasn't told me that. And I think we both know that like last time, I'm pretty much going to do what I want either way. Then get slapped. Haha.
This week I was asked what I was doing after graduation (if I graduate in Dec.)
1. PeaceCorp
2. Teach English in Korea or Japan or Taiwan or Rome
3. Aer Lingus stewardess (you have to live in Dublin for 3 months! Done!)
I've always talked about going five years for my degree and going back to IE for the heck of it, because that's how much I miss it.
This week my classes were canceled because tuition wasn't paid. I need my STAT class to graduate and here's where the IE dream comes to be a real possibility. I've missed a week of this class now...and I'm a little stressed with student teaching as it is...maybe I put off STAT and go another semester...maybe that semester is in IE.
As much as I've dreamt of this, when it becomes a serious reality...I seriously question its sanity.
I know that if I go back, it will not be the same as last time...I'm not looking for it to be. My main reason for wanting to go back is the fact that I feel like I did it wrong the first time. Why didn't I join more clubs? Why did I spend so much time in my room alone? Why didn't I see more of the country? Why didn't I do something cool and new every weekend?
I really want to see Jim, Paud, Hazel and Bev. But when I think of them, I think of the bad parts of being abroad. I don't want to do the lonely again. I don't want to go 3 months without church again. I DON'T WANT TO DO THE SCHOOL AGAIN. I love college and I love learning, but if I don't have to be writing research papers, why would I?
Fact is, this is seriously the last time I can do this...that's a driving factor. After this year, none of us will be in college and all of us will be spread around the world. If I ever want to have nights out with Irish friends ever again, it has to be done now.
Another driving factor? ...I don't think I can get into Ireland without a legit reason like studying.
This dilemma has consumed my thoughts this week.
What am I supposed to when I am called no where? To do nothing? We're supposed to pray about everything. But I get no answer either way...so am I allowed to make a call here? I'm pretty sure I'm not getting an answer because I want to be told I can go to IE, and He hasn't told me that. And I think we both know that like last time, I'm pretty much going to do what I want either way. Then get slapped. Haha.
This week I was asked what I was doing after graduation (if I graduate in Dec.)
1. PeaceCorp
2. Teach English in Korea or Japan or Taiwan or Rome
3. Aer Lingus stewardess (you have to live in Dublin for 3 months! Done!)
Thursday, August 25, 2011
God is Not a Man - Grungor
I don't know how much more I can take.
After much thought here is the conclusion I have come to: My Dad sees God everywhere and in all things. In different faiths, people, walks, and ways.
To others in my family God looks one way and only one way. I struggle. I am seen as worldly.
MY walk with God MY relationship is GRAND. Mind YOURS. Just because mine doesnt look like yours, doesnt mean its not as good or as real.
Theres one who can't stand it. Its constant, this telling me how to live as if I do not know how. Its funny how I have grown so much since I've left home. Lived on my own for 4 years. I work. I cook. I clean. I get decent grades. I pay for everything. And yet, I have to be told to pull up my shirt becuase its too low to video chat. MIND YOURS. I GOT THIS. THANKS.
I've pin pointed the goal of this experience. Silence. I think those who can hold their tongue, think and not smolder are the wisest of us all.
I seek wisdom. They seek to be right.
Next time I skype Ireland, I'm doing it topless. That is my right. They're always half necked anyway.
I wont really. But like all things, I can if I want. A concept others cant wrap their heads around.
After much thought here is the conclusion I have come to: My Dad sees God everywhere and in all things. In different faiths, people, walks, and ways.
To others in my family God looks one way and only one way. I struggle. I am seen as worldly.
MY walk with God MY relationship is GRAND. Mind YOURS. Just because mine doesnt look like yours, doesnt mean its not as good or as real.
Theres one who can't stand it. Its constant, this telling me how to live as if I do not know how. Its funny how I have grown so much since I've left home. Lived on my own for 4 years. I work. I cook. I clean. I get decent grades. I pay for everything. And yet, I have to be told to pull up my shirt becuase its too low to video chat. MIND YOURS. I GOT THIS. THANKS.
I've pin pointed the goal of this experience. Silence. I think those who can hold their tongue, think and not smolder are the wisest of us all.
I seek wisdom. They seek to be right.
Next time I skype Ireland, I'm doing it topless. That is my right. They're always half necked anyway.
I wont really. But like all things, I can if I want. A concept others cant wrap their heads around.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Life On Earth- Band of Horses
Is this what life outside of college looks like?
I have no friends. My friends are spread across the country chasing the dreams they've been preparing themselves for. I am here in Indy.
My family has gone to the farm and I've stayed to grade papers. Thought I'd hang with Red but shes gone back to school in Ohio.
I'll finish grading and swim. Then what? This morning sister Bee came in like the whirlwind she is and I told her bluntly my problem because I know shes been there.
"This is great that you have recognized this and you're proactive about it. People are stupid and think friendship is going to come to them. Its not."
"It does in college."
"Alyssa its a great time to be in Indianapolis. Anyone who's doing anything in Indy right now is your age." She made this sound like people putting effort into something, people with projects or passions.
"I'm not looking to make a difference. I dont want to change anything." I just want friends.
"I know. Theres just a lot happening right now. A lot going on. Its a great time to be here.
And you need to start hanging out with cousins. I do too."
"They must often change, who would be constant in happiness or wisdom."
-Confucius
I have no friends. My friends are spread across the country chasing the dreams they've been preparing themselves for. I am here in Indy.
My family has gone to the farm and I've stayed to grade papers. Thought I'd hang with Red but shes gone back to school in Ohio.
I'll finish grading and swim. Then what? This morning sister Bee came in like the whirlwind she is and I told her bluntly my problem because I know shes been there.
"This is great that you have recognized this and you're proactive about it. People are stupid and think friendship is going to come to them. Its not."
"It does in college."
"Alyssa its a great time to be in Indianapolis. Anyone who's doing anything in Indy right now is your age." She made this sound like people putting effort into something, people with projects or passions.
"I'm not looking to make a difference. I dont want to change anything." I just want friends.
"I know. Theres just a lot happening right now. A lot going on. Its a great time to be here.
And you need to start hanging out with cousins. I do too."
"They must often change, who would be constant in happiness or wisdom."
-Confucius
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Starbucks Jazz
The internet is out at home. As I got in the car to go to church today I had a quick change of heart and left Morgan to go alone.
I start teaching tomorrow and last I heard from my prof. if I didnt meet a deadline, I'd meet step two of three in getting kicked out of my program. I'll be honest, I dont know the next deadline or what he wants. I turned in lesson plans and I've spent the last two days with my teacher preparing for Monday. I'm ready. Atleast I think I'm ready, my guess is theres something I'm missing that will come back to bite me. The move from Purdue to home to Purdue to Spain to home has left my possessions spread everywhere and nowhere, I cant my timeline or cell charger.
I ride to the downtown library. The only complete bike in my house is my mountain bike. I feel like a big newbie riding downtown on a mountain bike. Moutain bikes in the city are for people who dont know any better or people who dont have the skill to come on and off curbs with out popping tires.
I havent ridden this town for 4 years and the memory of short cuts, alleys and side streets come only after I pass them.
The library was closed. This is what one of the custodial staff told me outside.
"But if you tell them you're going to church, they'll let you in."
I did give up church for this. Library doesnt open for a couple hours. I lie and say Im going to church but feel dishonest about lying and too sweaty to walk into the church and make it truth. Im downtown and need WIFI. Starbucks. And the nearest is the circle. So here I am.
No informative or threatening emails from higher ups--thats good. So I sit and drink my water and remember life in Indy before it was cool. Is GenCon in town? I think it is.
Before the starbucks girls talked about getting their hair cut in the Murphy building. Before the Murphy building and Fountain Square were cool. Back when we'd ride our bikes to the 'candy store' that was Skips Market, before it closed and the artists and Starbucks customers moved in. Back when it was drug dealers, old scary men and kids with dirty faces and no shoes on.
Its hot today and I'm brutally reminded that I've returned to downtown city life, and my bike is my main source of transportation.
Its not all bad, its just different from what I remember. Last night at circle center I bought 56 dollar shoes for 12 dollars, even thats a harsh reality. I've left school and the greatest job, greatest paying job I've ever had. My days of financial independence have come to a screeching halt thanks to student teaching and I am back under the parents thumb.
I told mom this and she said "Wait, what? We have to support you?! Will we have to give you a stipend?! An allowance?!"
"Would you Mom?! That would be so nice."
I start teaching tomorrow and last I heard from my prof. if I didnt meet a deadline, I'd meet step two of three in getting kicked out of my program. I'll be honest, I dont know the next deadline or what he wants. I turned in lesson plans and I've spent the last two days with my teacher preparing for Monday. I'm ready. Atleast I think I'm ready, my guess is theres something I'm missing that will come back to bite me. The move from Purdue to home to Purdue to Spain to home has left my possessions spread everywhere and nowhere, I cant my timeline or cell charger.
I ride to the downtown library. The only complete bike in my house is my mountain bike. I feel like a big newbie riding downtown on a mountain bike. Moutain bikes in the city are for people who dont know any better or people who dont have the skill to come on and off curbs with out popping tires.
I havent ridden this town for 4 years and the memory of short cuts, alleys and side streets come only after I pass them.
The library was closed. This is what one of the custodial staff told me outside.
"But if you tell them you're going to church, they'll let you in."
I did give up church for this. Library doesnt open for a couple hours. I lie and say Im going to church but feel dishonest about lying and too sweaty to walk into the church and make it truth. Im downtown and need WIFI. Starbucks. And the nearest is the circle. So here I am.
No informative or threatening emails from higher ups--thats good. So I sit and drink my water and remember life in Indy before it was cool. Is GenCon in town? I think it is.
Before the starbucks girls talked about getting their hair cut in the Murphy building. Before the Murphy building and Fountain Square were cool. Back when we'd ride our bikes to the 'candy store' that was Skips Market, before it closed and the artists and Starbucks customers moved in. Back when it was drug dealers, old scary men and kids with dirty faces and no shoes on.
Its hot today and I'm brutally reminded that I've returned to downtown city life, and my bike is my main source of transportation.
Its not all bad, its just different from what I remember. Last night at circle center I bought 56 dollar shoes for 12 dollars, even thats a harsh reality. I've left school and the greatest job, greatest paying job I've ever had. My days of financial independence have come to a screeching halt thanks to student teaching and I am back under the parents thumb.
I told mom this and she said "Wait, what? We have to support you?! Will we have to give you a stipend?! An allowance?!"
"Would you Mom?! That would be so nice."
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