As we reach the ends of our college careers some worry about finding their husbands or wives and sadly settle for someone out of fear that they should leaving college no closer to love than when they first arrived.

I find I've become even more selective. Granted I pulled a lousy grade in genetics class this term, coming away with little more knowledge than when I went in but oddly enough its completely changed the way I look at the opposite sex. Dont lower your standards, thats what they say but you know what? Take another look at those standards because they may need changed. I'm coming into a place in my life where I believe I may not want kids, but if I ever do I now have genetic standards that my spouse must possess.

Tall.
Attatched earlobes.
That is all.

We Were Promised Jetpacks

Its a new year and I couldnt be less interested.

When I made New Years plans with friends, I knew I would blow them off and go to church. Its a great feeling that place and there is no place in the world like it.

Weird this whole time I've been trying to experience all I can for fear that I will teach in Podunk, Indiana for the rest of my life. I have to see the world before I teach, I have to get all my living done, then I can settle into a career. It occured to me tonight that I've given my life to God and maybe my life is not meant to be lived here. I've no idea where I'm going but I've a feeling it isnt here.

All I think about is the future, its all I dream about every moment of the day. Atleast its not boys, apparently I'm maturing. But sometimes I dream of boys in my future, not sure what to make of that.

Theres no place like home and no place like home church. It never changes this place and there will always be people there who know you and love you. Even if you've never spoken and dont know their name, theres a connection, a relation and no matter where I go they will be there when I come home. When I go abroad I will dream of them. Everywhere I go and every other place I worship will be compared and never quite living up to home church.

I can put you there. Fellowship Missionary Baptist off of Morris St in Indianapolis Indiana. Its small but every pew occupied. There are table of food in the kitchen, deviled eggs and fried chicken and as many desserts as dishes. The carpets green and pews cushioned in blue and the moment you walk in theres a spirit that tugs your heart. The singing fills my heart and my eyes well, how rare this place is and how blessed am I to have been given it. And how dare I keep it to myself? I leave for Ireland soon and I am burden my the amount of time I've spent with the people I love talking about everything but Christ.

Beauty in the Break Down-Frou Frou

In the dark of the winter night down the country road that accompanies your thoughts, Alt nation serves as the metaphor of life in that you only know one out of ten songs. And thats life, you only know one tenth. You've only seen heard and stepped a foot on a small small percentage. You've only met one small number of people so why settle? Stand, walk through the cloud of smoke and the girl passed out on the floor and book the flight that'll take you to a place far from this that you already know.

Sink or Swim

Theres a comfort in leaving all you know behind. Because when it comes down to it, you belong no where and anywhere and with no one in particular. When the ones you choose to be with are satisfied getting high leaving you alone at the bottom, what choice does one have but to leave? When one feels as though theres no one in the world just like them. What then? Be true, be yourself, sink or swim. Sinking involves settleing, a fate I cannot fathom and swimming well that involves work. Is it work to be yourself? How easily do you change yourself to cater to those surrounding you?

I wonder if people have gone their entire lives living as someone else because they had no one to be themselves with. Being yourself is the easy part, finding those to share the gift of who are and what you have is the toughy. So do your thang, smoke it drink it, snort it because lonely it may be theres always a comfort waiting in a country road on a starry night.

Song of the Day

Song of the Day: I Believe in a Thing Called Love/The Darkness

Dreamer, wake up from your slumber

Song of the moment: Shawn McDonald- Dreamer

"The future belongs to those who believe in the power of their dreams."

And a dream is a wish your heart makes.. and you're sure to do impossible things if you follow your heart. Oh Disney.

How blessed are those with dreams. Those able to see something more, something impossible integrated into their futures. I fear the day I stop dreaming and pity the peers already there.

What do you dream of? And who? So many of us wonder and worry about where we are headed and work so hard to get there. From this point right here, any of us can go anywhere we want. I think of the summer and how my time of freedom feels like its flying away from me. How will I spend my last summer as a student? All I want to do is farm in a foreign country. All I want to do is research on the dead zone in the Gulf. All I want to do is an environmental internship in Hawaii. All I want is to go back to YMCA camp...in Colorado or Tennessee or SeaCamp on the coast somewhere. Or ranch out west...all I want are the things I've always wanted to do and its crunch time. My life as a young person is almost over and with it a wakening from my dreamfilled slumber into a pupil burning sun ray through the window of the world that is my future.

Does that make sense?

The dreamless, the ones in the box that is their lives scoff at such notions and stick to what they know. I dont care what I do I just want it to be new and different. It seems a waste for there to be things different from what you know out there and you not try to find them and experience them.

"...believe in the power of their dreams." Dreams hold power but only when you believe in them. And is it okay to keep believing in a dream after he gets a girlfriend? Some dreams you work for...some dreams you wait for (NOT A LINE to be used at the bars) somehow I dont feel right about that one. Maybe thats the kinda thing you never say out loud.

Is there difference between the dreamer and the dillusional? The dreamer and the one believing they're living their dream? The dreamer and the settler? Who settles into a life of mediocredy(is this a word?) after they lost belief?

I'm so bored with the monontany that is my life right now. Its no coincidence that this depressing hole in my soul sprouts from the mess of lab reports, papers and exams to come in the next 24 hours. I dont want to do this.

I want to be outside walking around with someone. But theres no one. Everyones in the same boat, unless you count the zombies and nerf clad humans running around campus right now. Must admist that looks like fun. The kinda fun we're supposed to be having right now. I have less than a year until I start work and get a real life...somehow I feel like this is the end of life. End of fun. I dont want it. Less than a year and what am I doing with it? I'm so sad.

But what is there to do? I want people to do crazy fun things with. Where are you? Because I know you're here somewhere.

I dont want to get old. I dont want a job and I dont want a career and yet thats what I'm here preparing for. I dont want a family but theres a fear that accompanies that opinion. Cant I just chill for the rest of my life? I'll even give back to society, cant I do peace core for the rest of my life? Is there anything wrong with that?

And yet...are those not the people I look down on? No I guess I dont, not people who are living for others and giving back...I pity those who work with no site of goals...I fear my life turning into such and I fear I'm already there. I've no call anymore.

Song of the Day: On Love, In Sadness by Jason Mraz.

Men and the Moon

Was walking to Campus House tonight and was awed by the light of the moon. If you know me, you know I've got this...thing with the moon. We're not romantically involved or anything, I just think its amazing. I love when the moon casts shadows, theres a cool/creepy/awesome feeling about it. The sun wasnt near down and the moon was so huge, just there in the sky, jus chillin as if to say "This is nothing new AB, I always look this cool."

I come in late as usual and as we sing, and we worship...it just feels good and I love it. The Found feels good to, theres nothing like worshiping with people you truely love and love to be around. I love people at home church I just wish they'd learn my name. I've been in the same seat all my life and its been 20 years, I dont think thats asking too much. And there are a total of 20 people in church so.

At the Found today and Campus House as well I notice even more how much easier it is to reach my goals with help from God. I'm tired of seeing men and my first thought being of their ability to be my husband. It hits me sitting at Campus House watching the praise band rock out: When did these thoughts become okay? When did my goals go from "Hey you're so great, I'm glad to have you as my Brother in Christ" to "Wow you're talented AND love Jesus, lets have babies some day!" This is not ok, when did this happen? How and why? This thought has been in my prayers for a couple days and its increasingly easy to think more holy thoughts.

On a semi-related note: that couple was present in service. That couple who have to be touching at all times? I cant even hate okay, because thats a pretty fun feeling to be in that phase of a relationship. I couldnt help but think of the last annoying and awkward touchy feely couple. At the baseball game last season Evan and I observed and discussed a similar couple concluding that neither person involved had ever been liked or touched by the oposite sex and to finally have the opportunity is both overwhelming and mind altering. Awkward for all present.
...maybe that was unkind...unchristian, unloving or negative? ...I think not.

This blog could so many directions right here and theres so much to say but Genetics is stupid calling my name.