I cant sleep. Ghana is days away. In bed awake, I realize that tomorrow is Friday. I had no idea. Friday means the last night at the Pub with friends. It means driving to West Lafayette. It means only one more night in my bed.
I still need sport bras.
I still need locks for my luggage.
I still need blank page journals.
Let me tell you my fears of Africa and of the Peace Corps. Just this week it occurred to me that one of my biggest fears is not having a great group of fellow volunteers. My Maymester in India came to mind. A group of twenty of us, each a stranger. That group was great because each person was great. Everyone was positive, the were excited to be where we were. Groups were not formed, we were one group and all so dumbfounded with Delhi.
I hope I find the same in the group I fly to Ghana with. But I fear it. They can make it or break it. What if I do not like them, what if I do not fit it? What if they are all real knowledgeable or passionate about agriculture and I am...something else. What if there is something I have not done to prepare? What if they've all been learning Twi (a native language) on their own while I've been re watching Harry Potter?
Fall makes leaving hard. Shopping makes leaving hard. While I'm out searching for duct tape, knee length shorts and Chacos I see the cute fall fashion. The sweaters, cardigans, scarves and shoes I would buy if I were staying, if I had a job. And it gets all the more tempting knowing that is an option. Gee, that new Honda Accord on that commercial looks real real cool, I want one of those. I could stay. I could work. I would work anything, maybe industry, maybe teach...if it meant I could buy all the pretty things I want.
But I'm only getting comfortable and that is generally my que to leave. And if past experience is any indication, my not wanting to go to Africa means that I should go and when I get there I will not want to leave.
I leave my life as I know it. Lunch downtown with Dad, bike trails at night. Home. Farm. Family. Driving. Comfort. Fall. My bed, my room, my pillows. For what? What do I leave it all for? New, different... mud hut.
There is a quote given to me by a friend and I do not have it so I will get it wrong but is says something like:
Everything in Africa bites.
Mosquito bite
The tsetse bite
But what bites the hardest is Africa herself, she will grab hold and never let go.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Monday, July 2, 2012
Chinese Translation - M. Ward
Dr. H.C, let us be honest you are my devoted reader and when I leave, these will all be written to you personally. Maybe. Probably.
Funny thing Dr. H.C sent this link with her thoughts today. If you've not read about Anderson Cooper's coming out, please read this piece
http://andrewsullivan.thedailybeast.com/2012/07/anderson-cooper-the-fact-is-im-gay.html
I would love discuss the respect I have for Anderson Cooper but not now. I thought this was odd because I had not heard anything about it, but I had just asked a housemate their thoughts on gay relations.
I have recently moved into a big house of Methodist students. I call it the Meth House.
I like that there is discussion here. There is intention here. There is thought, care and sometimes genuine and unconditional love.
When asked Spiderman replies, "Everyone has the right to happiness. I'm not going to take that away from anyone," he looks at me. "You know?"
Yeah, I know. Well put, Webbs. Really well put, better than I ever have or ever will put anything.
"Why?" he asks.
There is one at work. One with the Vegan skills that I have not witnessed elsewhere. He is gay and has attached himself to me which I find to be curious. Rarely do people seek me, to hang with me, to talk to me. I am the one to text for random meets, den pops, dinners, talks at the fount. And yet, the Baker seeks my schedule to be sure we have time together. He is young, he smokes, drinks, and parties with the best of em. Post emo, post myspace and on the brink of adulthood, he seeks my thoughts.
Why?
I hate to think he has been burned by religion and upon meeting a loving, nonjudgmental christian has latched on to the idea that God may in fact love him, despite what other Christians have told him. Despite the image of Christianity he has known.
Maybe I am wrong, maybe this has nothing to do with it. More likely, meeting such a christian has revived his faith not in God but in people, and maybe just maybe, God's people.
Tonight at house dinner and devotion the question was posed, "How do you set yourself apart?" In daily life, we are called to be separate. People should know we are different, lights should shine. But do they? What does that look like in your life? How do you set yourself apart? I was ashamed at my answer because I wanted it to be stronger. In all the ways I wished I could answer, I could not. I hold to a few, the big ones, but even those I have thought to abandon.
Do we love as Christ loved? If we did, we would be set apart. People would see. They would know.
Funny thing Dr. H.C sent this link with her thoughts today. If you've not read about Anderson Cooper's coming out, please read this piece
http://andrewsullivan.thedailybeast.com/2012/07/anderson-cooper-the-fact-is-im-gay.html
I would love discuss the respect I have for Anderson Cooper but not now. I thought this was odd because I had not heard anything about it, but I had just asked a housemate their thoughts on gay relations.
I have recently moved into a big house of Methodist students. I call it the Meth House.
I like that there is discussion here. There is intention here. There is thought, care and sometimes genuine and unconditional love.
When asked Spiderman replies, "Everyone has the right to happiness. I'm not going to take that away from anyone," he looks at me. "You know?"
Yeah, I know. Well put, Webbs. Really well put, better than I ever have or ever will put anything.
"Why?" he asks.
There is one at work. One with the Vegan skills that I have not witnessed elsewhere. He is gay and has attached himself to me which I find to be curious. Rarely do people seek me, to hang with me, to talk to me. I am the one to text for random meets, den pops, dinners, talks at the fount. And yet, the Baker seeks my schedule to be sure we have time together. He is young, he smokes, drinks, and parties with the best of em. Post emo, post myspace and on the brink of adulthood, he seeks my thoughts.
Why?
I hate to think he has been burned by religion and upon meeting a loving, nonjudgmental christian has latched on to the idea that God may in fact love him, despite what other Christians have told him. Despite the image of Christianity he has known.
Maybe I am wrong, maybe this has nothing to do with it. More likely, meeting such a christian has revived his faith not in God but in people, and maybe just maybe, God's people.
Tonight at house dinner and devotion the question was posed, "How do you set yourself apart?" In daily life, we are called to be separate. People should know we are different, lights should shine. But do they? What does that look like in your life? How do you set yourself apart? I was ashamed at my answer because I wanted it to be stronger. In all the ways I wished I could answer, I could not. I hold to a few, the big ones, but even those I have thought to abandon.
Do we love as Christ loved? If we did, we would be set apart. People would see. They would know.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
How to Love - Lil Wayne
Girls drives me crazy.
I love my job because I get to be nice to people, make conversation and be social without them thinking I'm weird because I dont know them. This also means 1. I get to meet awesome people. 2. I get to observe people (creeeeoerrr) and 3. I GET TO HEAR THEIR CONVERSATIONS. (and the stupid embarrassing things they say).
There is one girl. And I love coffee houses because they are a great place for conversation, (and always have been, go take HORT306 Tropical Hort, it talks coffee house history) Last night I overheard her telling a man 'What love means to me." I was embarrassed for her.
And today, I'm here studying and I hear these two and the one says "...and thats why hes in this emotional crisis right now." Oh honey. I'm sorry but lets be real. Lets not confuse your emotions and feelings for his, because I highly doubt he would say hes in an emotional crisis. I almost lol'd. But that would be rude!
My manager just came over and threatened me with his fists because I texted him at 1:00a this morning asking where the feta was. Apparently its in the big white tub and I am ridiculous.
I love my job because I get to be nice to people, make conversation and be social without them thinking I'm weird because I dont know them. This also means 1. I get to meet awesome people. 2. I get to observe people (creeeeoerrr) and 3. I GET TO HEAR THEIR CONVERSATIONS. (and the stupid embarrassing things they say).
There is one girl. And I love coffee houses because they are a great place for conversation, (and always have been, go take HORT306 Tropical Hort, it talks coffee house history) Last night I overheard her telling a man 'What love means to me." I was embarrassed for her.
And today, I'm here studying and I hear these two and the one says "...and thats why hes in this emotional crisis right now." Oh honey. I'm sorry but lets be real. Lets not confuse your emotions and feelings for his, because I highly doubt he would say hes in an emotional crisis. I almost lol'd. But that would be rude!
My manager just came over and threatened me with his fists because I texted him at 1:00a this morning asking where the feta was. Apparently its in the big white tub and I am ridiculous.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Brown Eyed Girl - Green Day
7p on Friday night. Math lab. Statistics due at midnight.
I hate facebook so much. I dont care. I just dont care about your life. Why am I updated about it? I dont care.
How many days have I been wearing this shirt? It smells. It smells like vacation, when you're only allowed to bring one bag, so you only brought 3 t-shirts and maybe you didnt wear this shirt yesterday but you've worn it multiple days and you dont care until now.
I hate facebook so much. I dont care. I just dont care about your life. Why am I updated about it? I dont care.
How many days have I been wearing this shirt? It smells. It smells like vacation, when you're only allowed to bring one bag, so you only brought 3 t-shirts and maybe you didnt wear this shirt yesterday but you've worn it multiple days and you dont care until now.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Daylight - Matt and Kim
Its official. I have been nominated into the PEACECORPS. Into SUB SAHARAN AFRICA with a tentative departure date of OCTOBER 2012.
During my interview my recruiter said there were still positions open for the end of the year but that I would probs be leaving early 2013. Nope.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKK. I cant believe this is really happening.
I had to look up a map of Sub Saharan Africa. Its pretty much all of Africa, minus the north.
While at Purdue I had a great friends names Carissa Jae McKay (her blog: http://www.throughsmokeandfire.blogspot.com/) she too was nominated into Sub Saharan Africa and then when the official invite came, she was invited to the Middle East, into some country I have never heard of and cannot spell.
This is the only thing I feel called to do. I think I was made for this. I do not question. At a Joshua House party last week I was telling one of the boys about it and he said,
"Do you think God is calling you into the PeaceCorps?" I forget what I said but he alluded to the fact that "Wow, what a test of faith. Wouldn't such an extreme call make you question? Falter? Doubt?" And honestly, no it doesn't at all. Theres nothing I've been more sure of, no direction I've been so drawn to.
It occurred to me this week while walking on campus. All the crap I hate about Purdue, (I love Purdue) but this whole time. The fact that I left and went to Ireland in search of something more. The fact that I've NEVER felt like I fit in to the Ag school and spent years trying...this is what its all been for.
THIS IS WHAT ITS ALL BEEN FOR. I'm going into the Ag sector and I have no idea what I'll be doing but it will most likely be education.
There are those on staff at Purdue that hate the different path. They want you out in four years. They want you to teach Ag. Education in Indiana. They want you here, and they've never understood my drive to be anywhere but. For a long time I've felt so misunderstood, too different for this community, and then bam, your dreams come true and it was all worth it.
I say this now. Talk to me in 10 months when I'm living in a mud hut with no electricity or running water.
During my interview my recruiter said there were still positions open for the end of the year but that I would probs be leaving early 2013. Nope.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKK. I cant believe this is really happening.
I had to look up a map of Sub Saharan Africa. Its pretty much all of Africa, minus the north.
While at Purdue I had a great friends names Carissa Jae McKay (her blog: http://www.throughsmokeandfire.blogspot.com/) she too was nominated into Sub Saharan Africa and then when the official invite came, she was invited to the Middle East, into some country I have never heard of and cannot spell.
This is the only thing I feel called to do. I think I was made for this. I do not question. At a Joshua House party last week I was telling one of the boys about it and he said,
"Do you think God is calling you into the PeaceCorps?" I forget what I said but he alluded to the fact that "Wow, what a test of faith. Wouldn't such an extreme call make you question? Falter? Doubt?" And honestly, no it doesn't at all. Theres nothing I've been more sure of, no direction I've been so drawn to.
It occurred to me this week while walking on campus. All the crap I hate about Purdue, (I love Purdue) but this whole time. The fact that I left and went to Ireland in search of something more. The fact that I've NEVER felt like I fit in to the Ag school and spent years trying...this is what its all been for.
THIS IS WHAT ITS ALL BEEN FOR. I'm going into the Ag sector and I have no idea what I'll be doing but it will most likely be education.
There are those on staff at Purdue that hate the different path. They want you out in four years. They want you to teach Ag. Education in Indiana. They want you here, and they've never understood my drive to be anywhere but. For a long time I've felt so misunderstood, too different for this community, and then bam, your dreams come true and it was all worth it.
I say this now. Talk to me in 10 months when I'm living in a mud hut with no electricity or running water.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
I Wish I Could Change Your Mind - Ray LaMontagne
Tonight I completed the PeaceCorp application. Its been done for about a year but I've never submitted it, that is until tonight.
Tonight I sit on a bed set up in the "office" that was once my bedroom. Liza and the baby in one bedroom, Morgan in another, Mom and Dad in theirs and I in...mine.
Dad is backing up files on the compute in this office/...bedroom as I was completing the application.
"Dad, so I checked on this application that I don't care where in the world I go. But they give like eight different regions, so where would you go?"
"When did you get saved again?"
.
"...I don't really follow in years...summer after freshmen year I think?" I can tell you my time and place. I can tell you what I found was finally holding me back, I know it was 4th of July and at the Indy Youth Weekend. I do not know which day it was, the day or the hour. I just know it happened.
He said nothing. "Why? You think I'm gonna die over there?"
"I don't know!" Pause. He is flossing. He looks at me and raises his eyebrows. "What if we get raptured outta here?! I wanna see ya!"
Tonight I sit on a bed set up in the "office" that was once my bedroom. Liza and the baby in one bedroom, Morgan in another, Mom and Dad in theirs and I in...mine.
Dad is backing up files on the compute in this office/...bedroom as I was completing the application.
"Dad, so I checked on this application that I don't care where in the world I go. But they give like eight different regions, so where would you go?"
"When did you get saved again?"
.
"...I don't really follow in years...summer after freshmen year I think?" I can tell you my time and place. I can tell you what I found was finally holding me back, I know it was 4th of July and at the Indy Youth Weekend. I do not know which day it was, the day or the hour. I just know it happened.
He said nothing. "Why? You think I'm gonna die over there?"
"I don't know!" Pause. He is flossing. He looks at me and raises his eyebrows. "What if we get raptured outta here?! I wanna see ya!"
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Nicki Minaj - Fly
Moved back to Purdue tonight. I'm so happy to be here but saying goodbye is tough no matter what.
Theres an excitement in just being here, in this house. Shawty has a new boyfriend and he is the one, she was telling me about this as LaRawnda came in on her cell. She flashed her new engagement ring. It glitters.
Tonight is the first basketball game of the season.
Excitement.
Theres something about coming back to campus that makes you want to buy running shoes really bad. Maybe its because everyone is running, and at all times.
Also, I just really really enjoy being around so many boys my age. It is a very nice feeling. I really enjoy simply being surrounded by people my own age but there something about being separated from college aged boys that makes you all the happier to live among them again.
Theres an excitement in just being here, in this house. Shawty has a new boyfriend and he is the one, she was telling me about this as LaRawnda came in on her cell. She flashed her new engagement ring. It glitters.
Tonight is the first basketball game of the season.
Excitement.
Theres something about coming back to campus that makes you want to buy running shoes really bad. Maybe its because everyone is running, and at all times.
Also, I just really really enjoy being around so many boys my age. It is a very nice feeling. I really enjoy simply being surrounded by people my own age but there something about being separated from college aged boys that makes you all the happier to live among them again.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Her Morning Elegance - Oren Lavie
There is something about Oren Lavie that just makes my heart smile.
I've three days left student teaching.
Tonight I ran into my high school science teacher in the check out at Walmart he said "Did you know Christa (Somebody)? Did you know she works back in electronics? I just saw her."
"No I didn't know that! I didn't go back there." He smiled and nodded, "If you want to see people you went to high school with, come to Walmart." I smiled and nodded and the cashier girl chimed in "Ya I know! I always see people I went to high school with here!"
I smiled and nodded.
I've three days left student teaching.
Tonight I ran into my high school science teacher in the check out at Walmart he said "Did you know Christa (Somebody)? Did you know she works back in electronics? I just saw her."
"No I didn't know that! I didn't go back there." He smiled and nodded, "If you want to see people you went to high school with, come to Walmart." I smiled and nodded and the cashier girl chimed in "Ya I know! I always see people I went to high school with here!"
I smiled and nodded.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
No Ones Gonna Love You - Band of Horses
Band of Horses is the only thing that makes me feel okay.
Teaching is wearing on me and I'm beginning to think I do not want to teach. I'm tired of them asking why. I said so thats why, now do it. And how many concussions can one team have? I feel like every freshman football boy has missed class due to concussions. I'm tired of excuses, their inability to manage time and their inability to read. Do you know how many high school students are reading at a third grade level? Its a lot.
Today the only time I smiled was at the end of the day when a bunch of non concussed freshmen came in talking about the Pokemon tournament going on in the cafeteria. "Only the coolest kids in school are going to be there!" Their excitement about Pokemon is the light I wish I had.
Teaching is wearing on me and I'm beginning to think I do not want to teach. I'm tired of them asking why. I said so thats why, now do it. And how many concussions can one team have? I feel like every freshman football boy has missed class due to concussions. I'm tired of excuses, their inability to manage time and their inability to read. Do you know how many high school students are reading at a third grade level? Its a lot.
Today the only time I smiled was at the end of the day when a bunch of non concussed freshmen came in talking about the Pokemon tournament going on in the cafeteria. "Only the coolest kids in school are going to be there!" Their excitement about Pokemon is the light I wish I had.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Party Rock Anthem - LMFAO
You do not understand how badly I want to be a girl version of LMFAO. I think they are the coolest. I want to wear pants like they wear and dance how they dance.
The dance kids in my class are the only thing that make me happy. Sometimes I randomly demand they dance and then they do. Last week I taught myself how to dougie (compliments of GLEE) but refuse to show them...I dont trust my moves with out a mirror.
You might not know I am obsessed with Postsecret.com. I've never sent one but a few weeks ago I saw one featuring Purdue's campus. I read this one today and deeply wish it were written to me:
I dont think it was. But I wish it was.
Its official that I'm going 5 years for school. I dont mind that much, I'm not ready for work to be my life. This morning I started my search for where I'm going to study abroad next semester. As much as I love Ireland, I feel like I need to let it go. The world is too big to go to the same place twice.
Speaking of letting go. I had a hard core break down this month and I ended up riding my bike around the ghetto about 11:00pm. I love the ghetto because people are always out and funnily enough, this always makes me feel safe. Almost midnight and mothers are walking with strollers, people are on their porches and I still recognize people from high school. Classic.
The break down was due to many things. Living at home sucks. No one talks to me, I dont talk to anyone and all I do is work for student teaching WHICH I feel like I'm failing at. I just found out about the 5 year deal, was yelled at by an advisor AND I had just accepted that Ireland is probably never happening ever again in my life and that really sucks the most. So in this rage, as I go to hang my bike I see the hurler and schliter Jim left as a gift to my family. I stood and the door attempting thought before I grabbed the thing walked strait to the trash behind our house and tossed it in.
I just want every memory of Ireland gone.
That night Dad came to talk and I told him if he wanted it, it was in the trash (technically Jim left it to him).
"Hey I want that, it shouldnt be thrown away." Shuts door. Opens door, "Unless you have a personal reason for getting rid of it, in which case thats fine." Ha! What a genius.
THEN I came home today and FOUND THE THING SITTING BY THE BACK DOOR. Mom thought it was trashed by mistake.
.
Also, theres a mouse in our house. It just crawled out from under the couch I'm on. Its a baby. Its cute but its dumb.
The dance kids in my class are the only thing that make me happy. Sometimes I randomly demand they dance and then they do. Last week I taught myself how to dougie (compliments of GLEE) but refuse to show them...I dont trust my moves with out a mirror.
You might not know I am obsessed with Postsecret.com. I've never sent one but a few weeks ago I saw one featuring Purdue's campus. I read this one today and deeply wish it were written to me:
I dont think it was. But I wish it was.
Its official that I'm going 5 years for school. I dont mind that much, I'm not ready for work to be my life. This morning I started my search for where I'm going to study abroad next semester. As much as I love Ireland, I feel like I need to let it go. The world is too big to go to the same place twice.
Speaking of letting go. I had a hard core break down this month and I ended up riding my bike around the ghetto about 11:00pm. I love the ghetto because people are always out and funnily enough, this always makes me feel safe. Almost midnight and mothers are walking with strollers, people are on their porches and I still recognize people from high school. Classic.
The break down was due to many things. Living at home sucks. No one talks to me, I dont talk to anyone and all I do is work for student teaching WHICH I feel like I'm failing at. I just found out about the 5 year deal, was yelled at by an advisor AND I had just accepted that Ireland is probably never happening ever again in my life and that really sucks the most. So in this rage, as I go to hang my bike I see the hurler and schliter Jim left as a gift to my family. I stood and the door attempting thought before I grabbed the thing walked strait to the trash behind our house and tossed it in.
I just want every memory of Ireland gone.
That night Dad came to talk and I told him if he wanted it, it was in the trash (technically Jim left it to him).
"Hey I want that, it shouldnt be thrown away." Shuts door. Opens door, "Unless you have a personal reason for getting rid of it, in which case thats fine." Ha! What a genius.
THEN I came home today and FOUND THE THING SITTING BY THE BACK DOOR. Mom thought it was trashed by mistake.
.
Also, theres a mouse in our house. It just crawled out from under the couch I'm on. Its a baby. Its cute but its dumb.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Human- The Killers
This is Paud Keane's song and I think of him when I hear it. I think of the Joshua House party. I've stopped wearing my claddaugh because my life needs to exist here and now and when I wear it, my thoughts and feelings are in the past and in Ireland.
I've always talked about going five years for my degree and going back to IE for the heck of it, because that's how much I miss it.
This week my classes were canceled because tuition wasn't paid. I need my STAT class to graduate and here's where the IE dream comes to be a real possibility. I've missed a week of this class now...and I'm a little stressed with student teaching as it is...maybe I put off STAT and go another semester...maybe that semester is in IE.
As much as I've dreamt of this, when it becomes a serious reality...I seriously question its sanity.
I know that if I go back, it will not be the same as last time...I'm not looking for it to be. My main reason for wanting to go back is the fact that I feel like I did it wrong the first time. Why didn't I join more clubs? Why did I spend so much time in my room alone? Why didn't I see more of the country? Why didn't I do something cool and new every weekend?
I really want to see Jim, Paud, Hazel and Bev. But when I think of them, I think of the bad parts of being abroad. I don't want to do the lonely again. I don't want to go 3 months without church again. I DON'T WANT TO DO THE SCHOOL AGAIN. I love college and I love learning, but if I don't have to be writing research papers, why would I?
Fact is, this is seriously the last time I can do this...that's a driving factor. After this year, none of us will be in college and all of us will be spread around the world. If I ever want to have nights out with Irish friends ever again, it has to be done now.
Another driving factor? ...I don't think I can get into Ireland without a legit reason like studying.
This dilemma has consumed my thoughts this week.
What am I supposed to when I am called no where? To do nothing? We're supposed to pray about everything. But I get no answer either way...so am I allowed to make a call here? I'm pretty sure I'm not getting an answer because I want to be told I can go to IE, and He hasn't told me that. And I think we both know that like last time, I'm pretty much going to do what I want either way. Then get slapped. Haha.
This week I was asked what I was doing after graduation (if I graduate in Dec.)
1. PeaceCorp
2. Teach English in Korea or Japan or Taiwan or Rome
3. Aer Lingus stewardess (you have to live in Dublin for 3 months! Done!)
I've always talked about going five years for my degree and going back to IE for the heck of it, because that's how much I miss it.
This week my classes were canceled because tuition wasn't paid. I need my STAT class to graduate and here's where the IE dream comes to be a real possibility. I've missed a week of this class now...and I'm a little stressed with student teaching as it is...maybe I put off STAT and go another semester...maybe that semester is in IE.
As much as I've dreamt of this, when it becomes a serious reality...I seriously question its sanity.
I know that if I go back, it will not be the same as last time...I'm not looking for it to be. My main reason for wanting to go back is the fact that I feel like I did it wrong the first time. Why didn't I join more clubs? Why did I spend so much time in my room alone? Why didn't I see more of the country? Why didn't I do something cool and new every weekend?
I really want to see Jim, Paud, Hazel and Bev. But when I think of them, I think of the bad parts of being abroad. I don't want to do the lonely again. I don't want to go 3 months without church again. I DON'T WANT TO DO THE SCHOOL AGAIN. I love college and I love learning, but if I don't have to be writing research papers, why would I?
Fact is, this is seriously the last time I can do this...that's a driving factor. After this year, none of us will be in college and all of us will be spread around the world. If I ever want to have nights out with Irish friends ever again, it has to be done now.
Another driving factor? ...I don't think I can get into Ireland without a legit reason like studying.
This dilemma has consumed my thoughts this week.
What am I supposed to when I am called no where? To do nothing? We're supposed to pray about everything. But I get no answer either way...so am I allowed to make a call here? I'm pretty sure I'm not getting an answer because I want to be told I can go to IE, and He hasn't told me that. And I think we both know that like last time, I'm pretty much going to do what I want either way. Then get slapped. Haha.
This week I was asked what I was doing after graduation (if I graduate in Dec.)
1. PeaceCorp
2. Teach English in Korea or Japan or Taiwan or Rome
3. Aer Lingus stewardess (you have to live in Dublin for 3 months! Done!)
Thursday, August 25, 2011
God is Not a Man - Grungor
I don't know how much more I can take.
After much thought here is the conclusion I have come to: My Dad sees God everywhere and in all things. In different faiths, people, walks, and ways.
To others in my family God looks one way and only one way. I struggle. I am seen as worldly.
MY walk with God MY relationship is GRAND. Mind YOURS. Just because mine doesnt look like yours, doesnt mean its not as good or as real.
Theres one who can't stand it. Its constant, this telling me how to live as if I do not know how. Its funny how I have grown so much since I've left home. Lived on my own for 4 years. I work. I cook. I clean. I get decent grades. I pay for everything. And yet, I have to be told to pull up my shirt becuase its too low to video chat. MIND YOURS. I GOT THIS. THANKS.
I've pin pointed the goal of this experience. Silence. I think those who can hold their tongue, think and not smolder are the wisest of us all.
I seek wisdom. They seek to be right.
Next time I skype Ireland, I'm doing it topless. That is my right. They're always half necked anyway.
I wont really. But like all things, I can if I want. A concept others cant wrap their heads around.
After much thought here is the conclusion I have come to: My Dad sees God everywhere and in all things. In different faiths, people, walks, and ways.
To others in my family God looks one way and only one way. I struggle. I am seen as worldly.
MY walk with God MY relationship is GRAND. Mind YOURS. Just because mine doesnt look like yours, doesnt mean its not as good or as real.
Theres one who can't stand it. Its constant, this telling me how to live as if I do not know how. Its funny how I have grown so much since I've left home. Lived on my own for 4 years. I work. I cook. I clean. I get decent grades. I pay for everything. And yet, I have to be told to pull up my shirt becuase its too low to video chat. MIND YOURS. I GOT THIS. THANKS.
I've pin pointed the goal of this experience. Silence. I think those who can hold their tongue, think and not smolder are the wisest of us all.
I seek wisdom. They seek to be right.
Next time I skype Ireland, I'm doing it topless. That is my right. They're always half necked anyway.
I wont really. But like all things, I can if I want. A concept others cant wrap their heads around.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Life On Earth- Band of Horses
Is this what life outside of college looks like?
I have no friends. My friends are spread across the country chasing the dreams they've been preparing themselves for. I am here in Indy.
My family has gone to the farm and I've stayed to grade papers. Thought I'd hang with Red but shes gone back to school in Ohio.
I'll finish grading and swim. Then what? This morning sister Bee came in like the whirlwind she is and I told her bluntly my problem because I know shes been there.
"This is great that you have recognized this and you're proactive about it. People are stupid and think friendship is going to come to them. Its not."
"It does in college."
"Alyssa its a great time to be in Indianapolis. Anyone who's doing anything in Indy right now is your age." She made this sound like people putting effort into something, people with projects or passions.
"I'm not looking to make a difference. I dont want to change anything." I just want friends.
"I know. Theres just a lot happening right now. A lot going on. Its a great time to be here.
And you need to start hanging out with cousins. I do too."
"They must often change, who would be constant in happiness or wisdom."
-Confucius
I have no friends. My friends are spread across the country chasing the dreams they've been preparing themselves for. I am here in Indy.
My family has gone to the farm and I've stayed to grade papers. Thought I'd hang with Red but shes gone back to school in Ohio.
I'll finish grading and swim. Then what? This morning sister Bee came in like the whirlwind she is and I told her bluntly my problem because I know shes been there.
"This is great that you have recognized this and you're proactive about it. People are stupid and think friendship is going to come to them. Its not."
"It does in college."
"Alyssa its a great time to be in Indianapolis. Anyone who's doing anything in Indy right now is your age." She made this sound like people putting effort into something, people with projects or passions.
"I'm not looking to make a difference. I dont want to change anything." I just want friends.
"I know. Theres just a lot happening right now. A lot going on. Its a great time to be here.
And you need to start hanging out with cousins. I do too."
"They must often change, who would be constant in happiness or wisdom."
-Confucius
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Starbucks Jazz
The internet is out at home. As I got in the car to go to church today I had a quick change of heart and left Morgan to go alone.
I start teaching tomorrow and last I heard from my prof. if I didnt meet a deadline, I'd meet step two of three in getting kicked out of my program. I'll be honest, I dont know the next deadline or what he wants. I turned in lesson plans and I've spent the last two days with my teacher preparing for Monday. I'm ready. Atleast I think I'm ready, my guess is theres something I'm missing that will come back to bite me. The move from Purdue to home to Purdue to Spain to home has left my possessions spread everywhere and nowhere, I cant my timeline or cell charger.
I ride to the downtown library. The only complete bike in my house is my mountain bike. I feel like a big newbie riding downtown on a mountain bike. Moutain bikes in the city are for people who dont know any better or people who dont have the skill to come on and off curbs with out popping tires.
I havent ridden this town for 4 years and the memory of short cuts, alleys and side streets come only after I pass them.
The library was closed. This is what one of the custodial staff told me outside.
"But if you tell them you're going to church, they'll let you in."
I did give up church for this. Library doesnt open for a couple hours. I lie and say Im going to church but feel dishonest about lying and too sweaty to walk into the church and make it truth. Im downtown and need WIFI. Starbucks. And the nearest is the circle. So here I am.
No informative or threatening emails from higher ups--thats good. So I sit and drink my water and remember life in Indy before it was cool. Is GenCon in town? I think it is.
Before the starbucks girls talked about getting their hair cut in the Murphy building. Before the Murphy building and Fountain Square were cool. Back when we'd ride our bikes to the 'candy store' that was Skips Market, before it closed and the artists and Starbucks customers moved in. Back when it was drug dealers, old scary men and kids with dirty faces and no shoes on.
Its hot today and I'm brutally reminded that I've returned to downtown city life, and my bike is my main source of transportation.
Its not all bad, its just different from what I remember. Last night at circle center I bought 56 dollar shoes for 12 dollars, even thats a harsh reality. I've left school and the greatest job, greatest paying job I've ever had. My days of financial independence have come to a screeching halt thanks to student teaching and I am back under the parents thumb.
I told mom this and she said "Wait, what? We have to support you?! Will we have to give you a stipend?! An allowance?!"
"Would you Mom?! That would be so nice."
I start teaching tomorrow and last I heard from my prof. if I didnt meet a deadline, I'd meet step two of three in getting kicked out of my program. I'll be honest, I dont know the next deadline or what he wants. I turned in lesson plans and I've spent the last two days with my teacher preparing for Monday. I'm ready. Atleast I think I'm ready, my guess is theres something I'm missing that will come back to bite me. The move from Purdue to home to Purdue to Spain to home has left my possessions spread everywhere and nowhere, I cant my timeline or cell charger.
I ride to the downtown library. The only complete bike in my house is my mountain bike. I feel like a big newbie riding downtown on a mountain bike. Moutain bikes in the city are for people who dont know any better or people who dont have the skill to come on and off curbs with out popping tires.
I havent ridden this town for 4 years and the memory of short cuts, alleys and side streets come only after I pass them.
The library was closed. This is what one of the custodial staff told me outside.
"But if you tell them you're going to church, they'll let you in."
I did give up church for this. Library doesnt open for a couple hours. I lie and say Im going to church but feel dishonest about lying and too sweaty to walk into the church and make it truth. Im downtown and need WIFI. Starbucks. And the nearest is the circle. So here I am.
No informative or threatening emails from higher ups--thats good. So I sit and drink my water and remember life in Indy before it was cool. Is GenCon in town? I think it is.
Before the starbucks girls talked about getting their hair cut in the Murphy building. Before the Murphy building and Fountain Square were cool. Back when we'd ride our bikes to the 'candy store' that was Skips Market, before it closed and the artists and Starbucks customers moved in. Back when it was drug dealers, old scary men and kids with dirty faces and no shoes on.
Its hot today and I'm brutally reminded that I've returned to downtown city life, and my bike is my main source of transportation.
Its not all bad, its just different from what I remember. Last night at circle center I bought 56 dollar shoes for 12 dollars, even thats a harsh reality. I've left school and the greatest job, greatest paying job I've ever had. My days of financial independence have come to a screeching halt thanks to student teaching and I am back under the parents thumb.
I told mom this and she said "Wait, what? We have to support you?! Will we have to give you a stipend?! An allowance?!"
"Would you Mom?! That would be so nice."
Friday, July 29, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Aint that America- Mellencamp
I'm not materialistic. There are very very few things in the world that I want and dont have. But today I found the addition to the short list. I want American Flag Chuck Taylors and I want them bad.
If I knew how to save images from the internet onto this pc, I'd upload a pic.
I was never much in the mood to sport my nations flag, that is until Joe Rust and I became friends.
A couple weeks before I left campus, I found myself on Chauncey Hill in search of a bike lock. Figures I'd run into Rust, I feel like we randomly bump into eachother everywhere.
He was passing through town on his was to Michigan working for some big seed company doing something important. Rust is the coolest kid I know so naturally he and the friends he was with offered to go to Walmart.
This is where the search began. The search for Joe Rust's American Flag Swim Trunks. He had to have them. Most of us would sport such attire as a joke. Not Joe Rust. Kid is all american and he wants the world to know. He! Is! An American! (think Purdue football) Believe it or not, prior to July 4 Walmart did NOT have american flag trunks. He settled for a an american flag tee and swim trunks with a hawaiian print that came a few inches above his knees.
Joe: ''They're 10 dollars...should I get two????''
Me: ''No.''
My chucks are his trunks. I have to have them.
If I knew how to save images from the internet onto this pc, I'd upload a pic.
I was never much in the mood to sport my nations flag, that is until Joe Rust and I became friends.
A couple weeks before I left campus, I found myself on Chauncey Hill in search of a bike lock. Figures I'd run into Rust, I feel like we randomly bump into eachother everywhere.
He was passing through town on his was to Michigan working for some big seed company doing something important. Rust is the coolest kid I know so naturally he and the friends he was with offered to go to Walmart.
This is where the search began. The search for Joe Rust's American Flag Swim Trunks. He had to have them. Most of us would sport such attire as a joke. Not Joe Rust. Kid is all american and he wants the world to know. He! Is! An American! (think Purdue football) Believe it or not, prior to July 4 Walmart did NOT have american flag trunks. He settled for a an american flag tee and swim trunks with a hawaiian print that came a few inches above his knees.
Joe: ''They're 10 dollars...should I get two????''
Me: ''No.''
My chucks are his trunks. I have to have them.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Rabiosa-Shakira
I’d like to just free write and hope all the seemingly unconnected thoughts intertwine for your entertainment.
If I were ever to live in Europe, I want to be in acquaintance with priceless art thieves like in Oceans 11 (or 12 or 13, I confuse them all). They really exist. People who have so much money and skill that they desire a greater challenge, personal possession of things that money cannot buy. As I wander through museums of Madrid with hand held speakers pressed to my ear, I hear ‘The sister piece’ or ‘The last of the four in this collection being held by a private collector.’ Or my favorite, ‘This piece was lost”. How do you lose a Manet? You don’t. Someone takes it.
Just like someone took some 12th century book from the Santiago Cathedral earlier this month. Only three people had keys to that room and someone just took it.
I bowed to pray over lunch on Sunday. I was told “We never pray.” I’ve never been to family meal where prayer wasn’t said. Ever. Dad prays when we leave for car rides that last longer than an hour. He prayed with us before bed. We had ‘church’ as a family on vacations, sometimes in the hotel but I always remember them under a tree or in a park, once sitting on a tombstone.
As I look back at these, I remember not connecting. Finding interest in bugs or shadows. But I remember them.
Over the weekend I met Carmen, Spanish born but living in London for two years waiting tables. I think its easy to be forgotten in a group whose language you don’t share. I often find myself spacing out, daydreaming in my own world as they interact in their own. Carmen and I spoke a lot, we are the same type. She told me of London, how she doesn’t feel like she belongs but there is something that keeps you there. And no one in London is English, she is friends with one English person. Hey boyfriend? Romanian. She has invited me to come see her London.
Lord willing I graduate in December. Dad, who came out of Purdue in a time when he “couldn’t buy a job,” encourages me to apply for all that I can.
All the friends who graduated on time have jobs. Actual incomes, and in the next couple years they will have houses and cars and kids. Real lives. Materials, possessions, equity, all very tempting in earnest.
Two years ago I met Michael Raith in a hostel in Rome. He was teaching English there and this morning I asked his advice. Having heard stories of girls with any 4 year degree teaching in Korea and coming home 1 or 2 years later with enough money to pay school debts or masters degrees, its always been an area of interest. I tumble around the websites he offered and bits of wisdom he gives, I imagine my life in Moscow, Tokyo, or Lima. It seems anywhere you would ever want to go needs English teachers. He says if you’re interested, do it.
I’m young and feel like the world is full of limitless possibilities.
Sorry dad, but Indiana Ag is not the current dream.
My greatest fear is that I should fall in love with something in Indiana that would keep me here. Family is forever and I fully intend on returning here to live someday because I will not live without them. But should I fall in love with teaching Agriculture? In Indiana? I’m scared it would keep me here and all my dreams of far off places will forever be day dreams. Regrets. Would shoulda couldas.
Ive always been a little on the boy side of crazy, but I have no apologies. On the contrary, I think the crazy is compensation for the fact that finding a boy worth my time is my greatest fear. He’d be the immigration officer keeping me from Ireland for the rest of my life.
12 female friends were engaged in the last 5 months. I wasn’t among those singles regretting graduate in their current state but I can’t say I didn’t think about it. There can be a fear in the hearts of young Ag Ed’s mostly because what are the chances of finding Mr. Right if you’re teaching Ag in a town of 800 people? Not as good as the 40,000 at Purdue, where boys still outnumber girls 6-4 AND you get the chance to talk to them every day.
In my mind life ends when you settle into routine and set anchor. Reality beings, job, car, house, significant other, responsibility. A completely fine life but if its going to happen no matter what, I would like to see and do all I possibly can before I come to the inevitable.
The PeaceCorp is the only thing I feel called to do. And the application has been completed for months, can’t bring myself to submit it.
Monday, July 25, 2011
God is Not A White Man- Grungor
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WybvhRu9KU&feature=relmfu
This song is only good with the video linked to above. I found it funny and great.
On a completely unrelated topic. I'm tired of people taking pictures of ordinary things with a great camera and thinking they are creative. Thats not skill, thats an $800 lens. Fact. So stop taking close-ups of blueberries. We've all seen them.
This song is only good with the video linked to above. I found it funny and great.
On a completely unrelated topic. I'm tired of people taking pictures of ordinary things with a great camera and thinking they are creative. Thats not skill, thats an $800 lens. Fact. So stop taking close-ups of blueberries. We've all seen them.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Taboo- Don Omar
If I turn the volume up on MTV I can hear the English under the Spanish.
Today I watched Man U smash the Seattle Sounders. I didn’t know Seattle had a professional soccer team, which is why the score was 6-0 when I turned it off. They say that soccer is so unpopular in the States that the big European teams are playing with them in order to promote the sport and maybe there’s genius behind it because the Seattle seats were full.
I am of the Mia Hamm influenced generation. Admit it, the 1999 USA Womens soccer team was the only reason any of us played growing up.
Still, when talking soccer I think Daniel Tosh said it best.
Today Dani learned that American football and rugby were not the same.
This weekend I’ve the choice to go to camp on the beach with Iria and friends or ride 6 hours in the car to go to a party with Carlos, Cruz and Dani. Neither parties will speak English and as much as I want to see Avila (the later option) I want to see life that the kids my age live.
Iria said ‘Or you could go do something else!’ This roughly translates to, ‘If you want to go to Ireland, this is your chance.’ Its $600, pass.
Travel that isn’t study abroad will never be as cool as study abroad. I love my time here, this isn’t a hit at this experience. When we travel to Madrid, when we move Iria out of her apt in Santiago you see them. The young 20s, they’re on street corners, they sit in circles in the park laughing and playing guitars. How can you not want to be that? As I approach graduation, I find myself ready for it all to be over. I feel as though I could go the rest of my life without writing a research paper and be very very happy.
You will never make friends they way you make friends when you’re all stressing over the same assignment. You’re never going to see the country side they way you’d see it from a packed car of young Europeans blasting techno. And you will NEVER see ANYTHING like the the student bar during Ag Week ('Drag of Ag'...unforgettable).
Heres a good way of looking at it…PLEASE DON’T TAKE OFFENSE (I know I’ll never hear the end of this one…mom) Even when I’m in the States school is just more fun than home and you have such a short time to enjoy it as it is. Family is forever, school is not. School means new people, new discussion and doing things you’ve never done before. Family life is different from school life, family life seems to be the same no matter what country you’re in, and I’d argue the same for school.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
How He Loves Us- John Mark McMillan
I miss Campus House. I miss God talk and Jesus discussion. I miss campus and people I know are gone only to return annualy at best.
I found a Baptist church here in Madrid but to be honest the effort of finding it, getting up early and Metro fare kept me in bed.
Everyone else has gone to an amusement park and I find myself in the apartment alone. I love rollercoasters but lets be honest they're kinda like zoo's, they're all the same and once you've seen a giraffe, you've seen a giraffe. And it was 30 euro. I've already run out of money, when we went to dinner they made me borrow 40 euro from 12 year old Alex.
Dinner. Tony Roma's, apparently its American, they say its from Florida. I think its the only place in Madrid to get ribs so the girls were hyped. After consuming plates of deep fried American food, the girls decide they want to go to Spain¡s hottest disco. We got into Tony Romas at eleven, out by midnight and then we looked for this disco for hours. Drinks in the gay district and back to searching for this club. We finally found it, three stories high, illuminated with different shades of cool blue lights and tons of well dressed young people looking the part.
Raqael, Lorena and Iría are all from Galicia. Galicia is to Madrid as Indiana is to NYC. Cruz´cooking is like my Gramma's meaning I'm two sizes bigger than comfortable and wearing a kelly green Target cardigan that is far from the european trends surrounding me. The dress was H&M but it was knee length, empire waist, covered in butterflies and I felt like my teacher attire had been sported a few weeks to soon.
We stood behind the velvet rope, Iria wide eyed and searching for answers. How do we get in? How are those people getting in? Is he famous? Dress code? How much is it? Do we belong here?
English speakers in front of us, so I was made to ask. They didnt know how much it was. Maybe 15, maybe 25, they werent in line, just smoking. Our mistake.
Velvet rope lifted and we bashfully sqeeze into a small rotunda of people buying tickets, we gaze at the mess happening inside, as if it were a movie shot with a blue filter.
Maybe my hesitancy showed on my face because Raquel offered to wait outside with me. Iria said she didnt know if this was our kind of place but that it was my call. I looked back through the doors. Strobe lights. Drink. Tempting. I turned back, 'I dont know, your call.' Iria said she didnt know. Meanwhile people swirled around us. They knew what they wanted, where they were going. I called it, we lifted the ropes, sqeezed through gate and group and into the first available cab.
I found a Baptist church here in Madrid but to be honest the effort of finding it, getting up early and Metro fare kept me in bed.
Everyone else has gone to an amusement park and I find myself in the apartment alone. I love rollercoasters but lets be honest they're kinda like zoo's, they're all the same and once you've seen a giraffe, you've seen a giraffe. And it was 30 euro. I've already run out of money, when we went to dinner they made me borrow 40 euro from 12 year old Alex.
Dinner. Tony Roma's, apparently its American, they say its from Florida. I think its the only place in Madrid to get ribs so the girls were hyped. After consuming plates of deep fried American food, the girls decide they want to go to Spain¡s hottest disco. We got into Tony Romas at eleven, out by midnight and then we looked for this disco for hours. Drinks in the gay district and back to searching for this club. We finally found it, three stories high, illuminated with different shades of cool blue lights and tons of well dressed young people looking the part.
Raqael, Lorena and Iría are all from Galicia. Galicia is to Madrid as Indiana is to NYC. Cruz´cooking is like my Gramma's meaning I'm two sizes bigger than comfortable and wearing a kelly green Target cardigan that is far from the european trends surrounding me. The dress was H&M but it was knee length, empire waist, covered in butterflies and I felt like my teacher attire had been sported a few weeks to soon.
We stood behind the velvet rope, Iria wide eyed and searching for answers. How do we get in? How are those people getting in? Is he famous? Dress code? How much is it? Do we belong here?
English speakers in front of us, so I was made to ask. They didnt know how much it was. Maybe 15, maybe 25, they werent in line, just smoking. Our mistake.
Velvet rope lifted and we bashfully sqeeze into a small rotunda of people buying tickets, we gaze at the mess happening inside, as if it were a movie shot with a blue filter.
Maybe my hesitancy showed on my face because Raquel offered to wait outside with me. Iria said she didnt know if this was our kind of place but that it was my call. I looked back through the doors. Strobe lights. Drink. Tempting. I turned back, 'I dont know, your call.' Iria said she didnt know. Meanwhile people swirled around us. They knew what they wanted, where they were going. I called it, we lifted the ropes, sqeezed through gate and group and into the first available cab.
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