This is Paud Keane's song and I think of him when I hear it. I think of the Joshua House party. I've stopped wearing my claddaugh because my life needs to exist here and now and when I wear it, my thoughts and feelings are in the past and in Ireland.
I've always talked about going five years for my degree and going back to IE for the heck of it, because that's how much I miss it.
This week my classes were canceled because tuition wasn't paid. I need my STAT class to graduate and here's where the IE dream comes to be a real possibility. I've missed a week of this class now...and I'm a little stressed with student teaching as it is...maybe I put off STAT and go another semester...maybe that semester is in IE.
As much as I've dreamt of this, when it becomes a serious reality...I seriously question its sanity.
I know that if I go back, it will not be the same as last time...I'm not looking for it to be. My main reason for wanting to go back is the fact that I feel like I did it wrong the first time. Why didn't I join more clubs? Why did I spend so much time in my room alone? Why didn't I see more of the country? Why didn't I do something cool and new every weekend?
I really want to see Jim, Paud, Hazel and Bev. But when I think of them, I think of the bad parts of being abroad. I don't want to do the lonely again. I don't want to go 3 months without church again. I DON'T WANT TO DO THE SCHOOL AGAIN. I love college and I love learning, but if I don't have to be writing research papers, why would I?
Fact is, this is seriously the last time I can do this...that's a driving factor. After this year, none of us will be in college and all of us will be spread around the world. If I ever want to have nights out with Irish friends ever again, it has to be done now.
Another driving factor? ...I don't think I can get into Ireland without a legit reason like studying.
This dilemma has consumed my thoughts this week.
What am I supposed to when I am called no where? To do nothing? We're supposed to pray about everything. But I get no answer either way...so am I allowed to make a call here? I'm pretty sure I'm not getting an answer because I want to be told I can go to IE, and He hasn't told me that. And I think we both know that like last time, I'm pretty much going to do what I want either way. Then get slapped. Haha.
This week I was asked what I was doing after graduation (if I graduate in Dec.)
1. PeaceCorp
2. Teach English in Korea or Japan or Taiwan or Rome
3. Aer Lingus stewardess (you have to live in Dublin for 3 months! Done!)
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
God is Not a Man - Grungor
I don't know how much more I can take.
After much thought here is the conclusion I have come to: My Dad sees God everywhere and in all things. In different faiths, people, walks, and ways.
To others in my family God looks one way and only one way. I struggle. I am seen as worldly.
MY walk with God MY relationship is GRAND. Mind YOURS. Just because mine doesnt look like yours, doesnt mean its not as good or as real.
Theres one who can't stand it. Its constant, this telling me how to live as if I do not know how. Its funny how I have grown so much since I've left home. Lived on my own for 4 years. I work. I cook. I clean. I get decent grades. I pay for everything. And yet, I have to be told to pull up my shirt becuase its too low to video chat. MIND YOURS. I GOT THIS. THANKS.
I've pin pointed the goal of this experience. Silence. I think those who can hold their tongue, think and not smolder are the wisest of us all.
I seek wisdom. They seek to be right.
Next time I skype Ireland, I'm doing it topless. That is my right. They're always half necked anyway.
I wont really. But like all things, I can if I want. A concept others cant wrap their heads around.
After much thought here is the conclusion I have come to: My Dad sees God everywhere and in all things. In different faiths, people, walks, and ways.
To others in my family God looks one way and only one way. I struggle. I am seen as worldly.
MY walk with God MY relationship is GRAND. Mind YOURS. Just because mine doesnt look like yours, doesnt mean its not as good or as real.
Theres one who can't stand it. Its constant, this telling me how to live as if I do not know how. Its funny how I have grown so much since I've left home. Lived on my own for 4 years. I work. I cook. I clean. I get decent grades. I pay for everything. And yet, I have to be told to pull up my shirt becuase its too low to video chat. MIND YOURS. I GOT THIS. THANKS.
I've pin pointed the goal of this experience. Silence. I think those who can hold their tongue, think and not smolder are the wisest of us all.
I seek wisdom. They seek to be right.
Next time I skype Ireland, I'm doing it topless. That is my right. They're always half necked anyway.
I wont really. But like all things, I can if I want. A concept others cant wrap their heads around.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Life On Earth- Band of Horses
Is this what life outside of college looks like?
I have no friends. My friends are spread across the country chasing the dreams they've been preparing themselves for. I am here in Indy.
My family has gone to the farm and I've stayed to grade papers. Thought I'd hang with Red but shes gone back to school in Ohio.
I'll finish grading and swim. Then what? This morning sister Bee came in like the whirlwind she is and I told her bluntly my problem because I know shes been there.
"This is great that you have recognized this and you're proactive about it. People are stupid and think friendship is going to come to them. Its not."
"It does in college."
"Alyssa its a great time to be in Indianapolis. Anyone who's doing anything in Indy right now is your age." She made this sound like people putting effort into something, people with projects or passions.
"I'm not looking to make a difference. I dont want to change anything." I just want friends.
"I know. Theres just a lot happening right now. A lot going on. Its a great time to be here.
And you need to start hanging out with cousins. I do too."
"They must often change, who would be constant in happiness or wisdom."
-Confucius
I have no friends. My friends are spread across the country chasing the dreams they've been preparing themselves for. I am here in Indy.
My family has gone to the farm and I've stayed to grade papers. Thought I'd hang with Red but shes gone back to school in Ohio.
I'll finish grading and swim. Then what? This morning sister Bee came in like the whirlwind she is and I told her bluntly my problem because I know shes been there.
"This is great that you have recognized this and you're proactive about it. People are stupid and think friendship is going to come to them. Its not."
"It does in college."
"Alyssa its a great time to be in Indianapolis. Anyone who's doing anything in Indy right now is your age." She made this sound like people putting effort into something, people with projects or passions.
"I'm not looking to make a difference. I dont want to change anything." I just want friends.
"I know. Theres just a lot happening right now. A lot going on. Its a great time to be here.
And you need to start hanging out with cousins. I do too."
"They must often change, who would be constant in happiness or wisdom."
-Confucius
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Starbucks Jazz
The internet is out at home. As I got in the car to go to church today I had a quick change of heart and left Morgan to go alone.
I start teaching tomorrow and last I heard from my prof. if I didnt meet a deadline, I'd meet step two of three in getting kicked out of my program. I'll be honest, I dont know the next deadline or what he wants. I turned in lesson plans and I've spent the last two days with my teacher preparing for Monday. I'm ready. Atleast I think I'm ready, my guess is theres something I'm missing that will come back to bite me. The move from Purdue to home to Purdue to Spain to home has left my possessions spread everywhere and nowhere, I cant my timeline or cell charger.
I ride to the downtown library. The only complete bike in my house is my mountain bike. I feel like a big newbie riding downtown on a mountain bike. Moutain bikes in the city are for people who dont know any better or people who dont have the skill to come on and off curbs with out popping tires.
I havent ridden this town for 4 years and the memory of short cuts, alleys and side streets come only after I pass them.
The library was closed. This is what one of the custodial staff told me outside.
"But if you tell them you're going to church, they'll let you in."
I did give up church for this. Library doesnt open for a couple hours. I lie and say Im going to church but feel dishonest about lying and too sweaty to walk into the church and make it truth. Im downtown and need WIFI. Starbucks. And the nearest is the circle. So here I am.
No informative or threatening emails from higher ups--thats good. So I sit and drink my water and remember life in Indy before it was cool. Is GenCon in town? I think it is.
Before the starbucks girls talked about getting their hair cut in the Murphy building. Before the Murphy building and Fountain Square were cool. Back when we'd ride our bikes to the 'candy store' that was Skips Market, before it closed and the artists and Starbucks customers moved in. Back when it was drug dealers, old scary men and kids with dirty faces and no shoes on.
Its hot today and I'm brutally reminded that I've returned to downtown city life, and my bike is my main source of transportation.
Its not all bad, its just different from what I remember. Last night at circle center I bought 56 dollar shoes for 12 dollars, even thats a harsh reality. I've left school and the greatest job, greatest paying job I've ever had. My days of financial independence have come to a screeching halt thanks to student teaching and I am back under the parents thumb.
I told mom this and she said "Wait, what? We have to support you?! Will we have to give you a stipend?! An allowance?!"
"Would you Mom?! That would be so nice."
I start teaching tomorrow and last I heard from my prof. if I didnt meet a deadline, I'd meet step two of three in getting kicked out of my program. I'll be honest, I dont know the next deadline or what he wants. I turned in lesson plans and I've spent the last two days with my teacher preparing for Monday. I'm ready. Atleast I think I'm ready, my guess is theres something I'm missing that will come back to bite me. The move from Purdue to home to Purdue to Spain to home has left my possessions spread everywhere and nowhere, I cant my timeline or cell charger.
I ride to the downtown library. The only complete bike in my house is my mountain bike. I feel like a big newbie riding downtown on a mountain bike. Moutain bikes in the city are for people who dont know any better or people who dont have the skill to come on and off curbs with out popping tires.
I havent ridden this town for 4 years and the memory of short cuts, alleys and side streets come only after I pass them.
The library was closed. This is what one of the custodial staff told me outside.
"But if you tell them you're going to church, they'll let you in."
I did give up church for this. Library doesnt open for a couple hours. I lie and say Im going to church but feel dishonest about lying and too sweaty to walk into the church and make it truth. Im downtown and need WIFI. Starbucks. And the nearest is the circle. So here I am.
No informative or threatening emails from higher ups--thats good. So I sit and drink my water and remember life in Indy before it was cool. Is GenCon in town? I think it is.
Before the starbucks girls talked about getting their hair cut in the Murphy building. Before the Murphy building and Fountain Square were cool. Back when we'd ride our bikes to the 'candy store' that was Skips Market, before it closed and the artists and Starbucks customers moved in. Back when it was drug dealers, old scary men and kids with dirty faces and no shoes on.
Its hot today and I'm brutally reminded that I've returned to downtown city life, and my bike is my main source of transportation.
Its not all bad, its just different from what I remember. Last night at circle center I bought 56 dollar shoes for 12 dollars, even thats a harsh reality. I've left school and the greatest job, greatest paying job I've ever had. My days of financial independence have come to a screeching halt thanks to student teaching and I am back under the parents thumb.
I told mom this and she said "Wait, what? We have to support you?! Will we have to give you a stipend?! An allowance?!"
"Would you Mom?! That would be so nice."
Friday, July 29, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Aint that America- Mellencamp
I'm not materialistic. There are very very few things in the world that I want and dont have. But today I found the addition to the short list. I want American Flag Chuck Taylors and I want them bad.
If I knew how to save images from the internet onto this pc, I'd upload a pic.
I was never much in the mood to sport my nations flag, that is until Joe Rust and I became friends.
A couple weeks before I left campus, I found myself on Chauncey Hill in search of a bike lock. Figures I'd run into Rust, I feel like we randomly bump into eachother everywhere.
He was passing through town on his was to Michigan working for some big seed company doing something important. Rust is the coolest kid I know so naturally he and the friends he was with offered to go to Walmart.
This is where the search began. The search for Joe Rust's American Flag Swim Trunks. He had to have them. Most of us would sport such attire as a joke. Not Joe Rust. Kid is all american and he wants the world to know. He! Is! An American! (think Purdue football) Believe it or not, prior to July 4 Walmart did NOT have american flag trunks. He settled for a an american flag tee and swim trunks with a hawaiian print that came a few inches above his knees.
Joe: ''They're 10 dollars...should I get two????''
Me: ''No.''
My chucks are his trunks. I have to have them.
If I knew how to save images from the internet onto this pc, I'd upload a pic.
I was never much in the mood to sport my nations flag, that is until Joe Rust and I became friends.
A couple weeks before I left campus, I found myself on Chauncey Hill in search of a bike lock. Figures I'd run into Rust, I feel like we randomly bump into eachother everywhere.
He was passing through town on his was to Michigan working for some big seed company doing something important. Rust is the coolest kid I know so naturally he and the friends he was with offered to go to Walmart.
This is where the search began. The search for Joe Rust's American Flag Swim Trunks. He had to have them. Most of us would sport such attire as a joke. Not Joe Rust. Kid is all american and he wants the world to know. He! Is! An American! (think Purdue football) Believe it or not, prior to July 4 Walmart did NOT have american flag trunks. He settled for a an american flag tee and swim trunks with a hawaiian print that came a few inches above his knees.
Joe: ''They're 10 dollars...should I get two????''
Me: ''No.''
My chucks are his trunks. I have to have them.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Rabiosa-Shakira
I’d like to just free write and hope all the seemingly unconnected thoughts intertwine for your entertainment.
If I were ever to live in Europe, I want to be in acquaintance with priceless art thieves like in Oceans 11 (or 12 or 13, I confuse them all). They really exist. People who have so much money and skill that they desire a greater challenge, personal possession of things that money cannot buy. As I wander through museums of Madrid with hand held speakers pressed to my ear, I hear ‘The sister piece’ or ‘The last of the four in this collection being held by a private collector.’ Or my favorite, ‘This piece was lost”. How do you lose a Manet? You don’t. Someone takes it.
Just like someone took some 12th century book from the Santiago Cathedral earlier this month. Only three people had keys to that room and someone just took it.
I bowed to pray over lunch on Sunday. I was told “We never pray.” I’ve never been to family meal where prayer wasn’t said. Ever. Dad prays when we leave for car rides that last longer than an hour. He prayed with us before bed. We had ‘church’ as a family on vacations, sometimes in the hotel but I always remember them under a tree or in a park, once sitting on a tombstone.
As I look back at these, I remember not connecting. Finding interest in bugs or shadows. But I remember them.
Over the weekend I met Carmen, Spanish born but living in London for two years waiting tables. I think its easy to be forgotten in a group whose language you don’t share. I often find myself spacing out, daydreaming in my own world as they interact in their own. Carmen and I spoke a lot, we are the same type. She told me of London, how she doesn’t feel like she belongs but there is something that keeps you there. And no one in London is English, she is friends with one English person. Hey boyfriend? Romanian. She has invited me to come see her London.
Lord willing I graduate in December. Dad, who came out of Purdue in a time when he “couldn’t buy a job,” encourages me to apply for all that I can.
All the friends who graduated on time have jobs. Actual incomes, and in the next couple years they will have houses and cars and kids. Real lives. Materials, possessions, equity, all very tempting in earnest.
Two years ago I met Michael Raith in a hostel in Rome. He was teaching English there and this morning I asked his advice. Having heard stories of girls with any 4 year degree teaching in Korea and coming home 1 or 2 years later with enough money to pay school debts or masters degrees, its always been an area of interest. I tumble around the websites he offered and bits of wisdom he gives, I imagine my life in Moscow, Tokyo, or Lima. It seems anywhere you would ever want to go needs English teachers. He says if you’re interested, do it.
I’m young and feel like the world is full of limitless possibilities.
Sorry dad, but Indiana Ag is not the current dream.
My greatest fear is that I should fall in love with something in Indiana that would keep me here. Family is forever and I fully intend on returning here to live someday because I will not live without them. But should I fall in love with teaching Agriculture? In Indiana? I’m scared it would keep me here and all my dreams of far off places will forever be day dreams. Regrets. Would shoulda couldas.
Ive always been a little on the boy side of crazy, but I have no apologies. On the contrary, I think the crazy is compensation for the fact that finding a boy worth my time is my greatest fear. He’d be the immigration officer keeping me from Ireland for the rest of my life.
12 female friends were engaged in the last 5 months. I wasn’t among those singles regretting graduate in their current state but I can’t say I didn’t think about it. There can be a fear in the hearts of young Ag Ed’s mostly because what are the chances of finding Mr. Right if you’re teaching Ag in a town of 800 people? Not as good as the 40,000 at Purdue, where boys still outnumber girls 6-4 AND you get the chance to talk to them every day.
In my mind life ends when you settle into routine and set anchor. Reality beings, job, car, house, significant other, responsibility. A completely fine life but if its going to happen no matter what, I would like to see and do all I possibly can before I come to the inevitable.
The PeaceCorp is the only thing I feel called to do. And the application has been completed for months, can’t bring myself to submit it.
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