I Wish I Could Change Your Mind - Ray LaMontagne

Tonight I completed the PeaceCorp application.  Its been done for about a year but I've never submitted it, that is until tonight.

Tonight I sit on a bed set up in the "office" that was once my bedroom.  Liza and the baby in one bedroom, Morgan in another, Mom and Dad in theirs and I in...mine.

Dad is backing up files on the compute in this office/...bedroom as I was completing the application.

"Dad, so I checked on this application that I don't care where in the world I go.  But they give like eight different regions, so where would you go?"

"When did you get saved again?"

.

"...I don't really follow in years...summer after freshmen year I think?"  I can tell you my time and place.  I can tell you what I found was finally holding me back, I know it was 4th of July and at the Indy Youth Weekend.  I do not know which day it was, the day or the hour.  I just know it happened.

He said nothing.  "Why?  You think I'm gonna die over there?"

"I don't know!"  Pause.  He is flossing.  He looks at me and raises his eyebrows.  "What if we get raptured outta here?!  I wanna see ya!"

Nicki Minaj - Fly

Moved back to Purdue tonight.  I'm so happy to be here but saying goodbye is tough no matter what.

Theres an excitement in just being here, in this house.  Shawty has a new boyfriend and he is the one, she was telling me about this as LaRawnda came in on her cell.  She flashed her new engagement ring.  It glitters.

Tonight is the first basketball game of the season.

Excitement.

Theres something about coming back to campus that makes you want to buy running shoes really bad.  Maybe its because everyone is running, and at all times.

Also, I just really really enjoy being around so many boys my age.  It is a very nice feeling.  I really enjoy simply being surrounded by people my own age but there something about being separated from college aged boys that makes you all the happier to live among them again. 

Her Morning Elegance - Oren Lavie

There is something about Oren Lavie that just makes my heart smile.

I've three days left student teaching. 

Tonight I ran into my high school science teacher in the check out at Walmart he said "Did you know Christa (Somebody)?  Did you know she works back in electronics?  I just saw her."

"No I didn't know that!  I didn't go back there."  He smiled and nodded, "If you want to see people you went to high school with, come to Walmart."  I smiled and nodded and the cashier girl chimed in "Ya I know!  I always see people I went to high school with here!" 

I smiled and nodded.

No Ones Gonna Love You - Band of Horses

Band of Horses is the only thing that makes me feel okay.

Teaching is wearing on me and I'm beginning to think I do not want to teach.  I'm tired of them asking why.  I said so thats why, now do it.  And how many concussions can one team have?  I feel like every freshman football boy has missed class due to concussions.  I'm tired of excuses, their inability to manage time and their inability to read.  Do you know how many high school students are reading at a third grade level?  Its a lot.

Today the only time I smiled was at the end of the day when a bunch of non concussed freshmen came in talking about the Pokemon tournament going on in the cafeteria.  "Only the coolest kids in school are going to be there!"  Their excitement about Pokemon is the light I wish I had.

Party Rock Anthem - LMFAO

You do not understand how badly I want to be a girl version of LMFAO.  I think they are the coolest.  I want to wear pants like they wear and dance how they dance.

The dance kids in my class are the only thing that make me happy.  Sometimes I randomly demand they dance and then they do.  Last week I taught myself how to dougie (compliments of GLEE) but refuse to show them...I dont trust my moves with out a mirror.

You might not know I am obsessed with Postsecret.com.  I've never sent one but a few weeks ago I saw one featuring Purdue's campus.  I read this one today and deeply wish it were written to me:

I dont think it was.  But I wish it was.

Its official that I'm going 5 years for school.  I dont mind that much, I'm not ready for work to be my life.  This morning I started my search for where I'm going to study abroad next semester.  As much as I love Ireland, I feel like I need to let it go.  The world is too big to go to the same place twice.

Speaking of letting go.  I had a hard core break down this month and I ended up riding my bike around the ghetto about 11:00pm.  I love the ghetto because people are always out and funnily enough, this always makes me feel safe.  Almost midnight and mothers are walking with strollers, people are on their porches and I still recognize people from high school.  Classic.

The break down was due to many things.  Living at home sucks.  No one talks to me, I dont talk to anyone and all I do is work for student teaching WHICH I feel like I'm failing at.  I just found out about the 5 year deal, was yelled at by an advisor AND I had just accepted that Ireland is probably never happening ever again in my life and that really sucks the most.  So in this rage, as I go to hang my bike I see the hurler and schliter Jim left as a gift to my family.  I stood and the door attempting thought before I grabbed the thing walked strait to the trash behind our house and tossed it in.

I just want every memory of Ireland gone. 

That night Dad came to talk and I told him if he wanted it, it was in the trash (technically Jim left it to him).

"Hey I want that, it shouldnt be thrown away."  Shuts door.  Opens door, "Unless you have a personal reason for getting rid of it, in which case thats fine."  Ha!  What a genius.

THEN I came home today and FOUND THE THING SITTING BY THE BACK DOOR.  Mom thought it was trashed by mistake.     

.

Also, theres a mouse in our house.  It just crawled out from under the couch I'm on.  Its a baby.  Its cute but its dumb.

Human- The Killers

This is Paud Keane's song and I think of him when I hear it.  I think of the Joshua House party.  I've stopped wearing my claddaugh because my life needs to exist here and now and when I wear it, my thoughts and feelings are in the past and in Ireland. 

I've always talked about going five years for my degree and going back to IE for the heck of it, because that's how much I miss it.

This week my classes were canceled  because tuition wasn't paid.  I need my STAT class to graduate and here's where the IE dream comes to be a real possibility.  I've missed a week of this class now...and I'm a little stressed with student teaching as it is...maybe I put off STAT and go another semester...maybe that semester is in IE.

As much as I've dreamt of this, when it becomes a serious reality...I seriously question its sanity.

I know that if I go back, it will not be the same as last time...I'm not looking for it to be.  My main reason for wanting to go back is the fact that I feel like I did it wrong the first time.  Why didn't I join more clubs?  Why did I spend so much time in my room alone?  Why didn't I see more of the country?  Why didn't I do something cool and new  every weekend?

I really want to see Jim, Paud, Hazel and Bev.  But when I think of them, I think of the bad parts of being abroad.  I don't want to do the lonely again.  I don't want to go 3 months without church again.  I DON'T WANT TO DO THE SCHOOL AGAIN.  I love college and I love learning, but if I don't have to be writing research papers, why would I?

Fact is, this is seriously the last time I can do this...that's a driving factor.  After this year, none of us will be in college and all of us will be spread around the world.  If I ever want to have nights out with Irish friends ever again, it has to be done now.

Another driving factor?  ...I don't think I can get into Ireland without a legit reason like studying.

This dilemma has consumed my thoughts this week.

What am I supposed to when I am called no where?  To do nothing?  We're supposed to pray about everything.  But I get no answer either way...so am I allowed to make a call here?  I'm pretty sure I'm not getting an answer because I want to be told I can go to IE, and He hasn't told me that.  And I think we both know that like last time, I'm pretty much going to do what I want either way.  Then get slapped.  Haha.

This week I was asked what I was doing after graduation (if I graduate in Dec.)
1. PeaceCorp
2.  Teach English in Korea or Japan or Taiwan or Rome
3.  Aer Lingus stewardess (you have to live in Dublin for 3 months!  Done!)

God is Not a Man - Grungor

I don't know how much more I can take.

After much thought here is the conclusion I have come to: My Dad sees God everywhere and in all things. In different faiths, people, walks, and ways.

To others in my family God looks one way and only one way. I struggle. I am seen as worldly.

MY walk with God MY relationship is GRAND. Mind YOURS. Just because mine doesnt look like yours, doesnt mean its not as good or as real.

Theres one who can't stand it. Its constant, this telling me how to live as if I do not know how. Its funny how I have grown so much since I've left home. Lived on my own for 4 years. I work. I cook. I clean. I get decent grades. I pay for everything. And yet, I have to be told to pull up my shirt becuase its too low to video chat. MIND YOURS. I GOT THIS. THANKS.

I've pin pointed the goal of this experience. Silence. I think those who can hold their tongue, think and not smolder are the wisest of us all.

I seek wisdom. They seek to be right.

Next time I skype Ireland, I'm doing it topless. That is my right. They're always half necked anyway.

I wont really. But like all things, I can if I want. A concept others cant wrap their heads around.

Life On Earth- Band of Horses

Is this what life outside of college looks like?

I have no friends. My friends are spread across the country chasing the dreams they've been preparing themselves for. I am here in Indy.

My family has gone to the farm and I've stayed to grade papers. Thought I'd hang with Red but shes gone back to school in Ohio.

I'll finish grading and swim. Then what? This morning sister Bee came in like the whirlwind she is and I told her bluntly my problem because I know shes been there.

"This is great that you have recognized this and you're proactive about it. People are stupid and think friendship is going to come to them. Its not."

"It does in college."

"Alyssa its a great time to be in Indianapolis. Anyone who's doing anything in Indy right now is your age." She made this sound like people putting effort into something, people with projects or passions.

"I'm not looking to make a difference. I dont want to change anything." I just want friends.

"I know. Theres just a lot happening right now. A lot going on. Its a great time to be here.

And you need to start hanging out with cousins. I do too."



"They must often change, who would be constant in happiness or wisdom."
-Confucius

Starbucks Jazz

The internet is out at home. As I got in the car to go to church today I had a quick change of heart and left Morgan to go alone.

I start teaching tomorrow and last I heard from my prof. if I didnt meet a deadline, I'd meet step two of three in getting kicked out of my program. I'll be honest, I dont know the next deadline or what he wants. I turned in lesson plans and I've spent the last two days with my teacher preparing for Monday. I'm ready. Atleast I think I'm ready, my guess is theres something I'm missing that will come back to bite me. The move from Purdue to home to Purdue to Spain to home has left my possessions spread everywhere and nowhere, I cant my timeline or cell charger.

I ride to the downtown library. The only complete bike in my house is my mountain bike. I feel like a big newbie riding downtown on a mountain bike. Moutain bikes in the city are for people who dont know any better or people who dont have the skill to come on and off curbs with out popping tires. I havent ridden this town for 4 years and the memory of short cuts, alleys and side streets come only after I pass them.

The library was closed. This is what one of the custodial staff told me outside.

"But if you tell them you're going to church, they'll let you in."

I did give up church for this. Library doesnt open for a couple hours. I lie and say Im going to church but feel dishonest about lying and too sweaty to walk into the church and make it truth. Im downtown and need WIFI. Starbucks. And the nearest is the circle. So here I am.

No informative or threatening emails from higher ups--thats good. So I sit and drink my water and remember life in Indy before it was cool. Is GenCon in town? I think it is.

Before the starbucks girls talked about getting their hair cut in the Murphy building. Before the Murphy building and Fountain Square were cool. Back when we'd ride our bikes to the 'candy store' that was Skips Market, before it closed and the artists and Starbucks customers moved in. Back when it was drug dealers, old scary men and kids with dirty faces and no shoes on.

Its hot today and I'm brutally reminded that I've returned to downtown city life, and my bike is my main source of transportation.

Its not all bad, its just different from what I remember. Last night at circle center I bought 56 dollar shoes for 12 dollars, even thats a harsh reality. I've left school and the greatest job, greatest paying job I've ever had. My days of financial independence have come to a screeching halt thanks to student teaching and I am back under the parents thumb.

I told mom this and she said "Wait, what? We have to support you?! Will we have to give you a stipend?! An allowance?!"

"Would you Mom?! That would be so nice."

Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros - Home

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRA5S59KjwY&NR=1

Aint that America- Mellencamp

I'm not materialistic. There are very very few things in the world that I want and dont have. But today I found the addition to the short list. I want American Flag Chuck Taylors and I want them bad.

If I knew how to save images from the internet onto this pc, I'd upload a pic.

I was never much in the mood to sport my nations flag, that is until Joe Rust and I became friends.

A couple weeks before I left campus, I found myself on Chauncey Hill in search of a bike lock. Figures I'd run into Rust, I feel like we randomly bump into eachother everywhere.

He was passing through town on his was to Michigan working for some big seed company doing something important. Rust is the coolest kid I know so naturally he and the friends he was with offered to go to Walmart.

This is where the search began. The search for Joe Rust's American Flag Swim Trunks. He had to have them. Most of us would sport such attire as a joke. Not Joe Rust. Kid is all american and he wants the world to know. He! Is! An American! (think Purdue football) Believe it or not, prior to July 4 Walmart did NOT have american flag trunks. He settled for a an american flag tee and swim trunks with a hawaiian print that came a few inches above his knees.

Joe: ''They're 10 dollars...should I get two????''
Me: ''No.''

My chucks are his trunks. I have to have them.

Rabiosa-Shakira

I’d like to just free write and hope all the seemingly unconnected thoughts intertwine for your entertainment.

If I were ever to live in Europe, I want to be in acquaintance with priceless art thieves like in Oceans 11 (or 12 or 13, I confuse them all). They really exist. People who have so much money and skill that they desire a greater challenge, personal possession of things that money cannot buy. As I wander through museums of Madrid with hand held speakers pressed to my ear, I hear ‘The sister piece’ or ‘The last of the four in this collection being held by a private collector.’ Or my favorite, ‘This piece was lost”. How do you lose a Manet? You don’t. Someone takes it.

Just like someone took some 12^th century book from the Santiago Cathedral earlier this month. Only three people had keys to that room and someone just took it.

I bowed to pray over lunch on Sunday. I was told “We never pray.” I’ve never been to family meal where prayer wasn’t said. Ever. Dad prays when we leave for car rides that last longer than an hour. He prayed with us before bed. We had ‘church’ as a family on vacations, sometimes in the hotel but I always remember them under a tree or in a park, once sitting on a tombstone.

As I look back at these, I remember not connecting. Finding interest in bugs or shadows. But I remember them.

Over the weekend I met Carmen, Spanish born but living in London for two years waiting tables. I think its easy to be forgotten in a group whose language you don’t share. I often find myself spacing out, daydreaming in my own world as they interact in their own. Carmen and I spoke a lot, we are the same type. She told me of London, how she doesn’t feel like she belongs but there is something that keeps you there. And no one in London is English, she is friends with one English person. Hey boyfriend? Romanian. She has invited me to come see her London.

Lord willing I graduate in December. Dad, who came out of Purdue in a time when he “couldn’t buy a job,” encourages me to apply for all that I can.

All the friends who graduated on time have jobs. Actual incomes, and in the next couple years they will have houses and cars and kids. Real lives. Materials, possessions, equity, all very tempting in earnest.

Two years ago I met Michael Raith in a hostel in Rome. He was teaching English there and this morning I asked his advice. Having heard stories of girls with any 4 year degree teaching in Korea and coming home 1 or 2 years later with enough money to pay school debts or masters degrees, its always been an area of interest. I tumble around the websites he offered and bits of wisdom he gives, I imagine my life in Moscow, Tokyo, or Lima. It seems anywhere you would ever want to go needs English teachers. He says if you’re interested, do it.

I’m young and feel like the world is full of limitless possibilities.

Sorry dad, but Indiana Ag is not the current dream.

My greatest fear is that I should fall in love with something in Indiana that would keep me here. Family is forever and I fully intend on returning here to live someday because I will not live without them. But should I fall in love with teaching Agriculture? In Indiana? I’m scared it would keep me here and all my dreams of far off places will forever be day dreams. Regrets. Would shoulda couldas.

Ive always been a little on the boy side of crazy, but I have no apologies. On the contrary, I think the crazy is compensation for the fact that finding a boy worth my time is my greatest fear. He’d be the immigration officer keeping me from Ireland for the rest of my life.

12 female friends were engaged in the last 5 months. I wasn’t among those singles regretting graduate in their current state but I can’t say I didn’t think about it. There can be a fear in the hearts of young Ag Ed’s mostly because what are the chances of finding Mr. Right if you’re teaching Ag in a town of 800 people? Not as good as the 40,000 at Purdue, where boys still outnumber girls 6-4 AND you get the chance to talk to them every day.

In my mind life ends when you settle into routine and set anchor. Reality beings, job, car, house, significant other, responsibility. A completely fine life but if its going to happen no matter what, I would like to see and do all I possibly can before I come to the inevitable.

The PeaceCorp is the only thing I feel called to do. And the application has been completed for months, can’t bring myself to submit it.

God is Not A White Man- Grungor

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WybvhRu9KU&feature=relmfu

This song is only good with the video linked to above. I found it funny and great.

On a completely unrelated topic. I'm tired of people taking pictures of ordinary things with a great camera and thinking they are creative. Thats not skill, thats an $800 lens. Fact. So stop taking close-ups of blueberries. We've all seen them.

Taboo- Don Omar

If I turn the volume up on MTV I can hear the English under the Spanish.

Today I watched Man U smash the Seattle Sounders. I didn’t know Seattle had a professional soccer team, which is why the score was 6-0 when I turned it off. They say that soccer is so unpopular in the States that the big European teams are playing with them in order to promote the sport and maybe there’s genius behind it because the Seattle seats were full.

I am of the Mia Hamm influenced generation. Admit it, the 1999 USA Womens soccer team was the only reason any of us played growing up.

Still, when talking soccer I think Daniel Tosh said it best.

Today Dani learned that American football and rugby were not the same.

This weekend I’ve the choice to go to camp on the beach with Iria and friends or ride 6 hours in the car to go to a party with Carlos, Cruz and Dani. Neither parties will speak English and as much as I want to see Avila (the later option) I want to see life that the kids my age live.

Iria said ‘Or you could go do something else!’ This roughly translates to, ‘If you want to go to Ireland, this is your chance.’ Its $600, pass.

Travel that isn’t study abroad will never be as cool as study abroad. I love my time here, this isn’t a hit at this experience. When we travel to Madrid, when we move Iria out of her apt in Santiago you see them. The young 20s, they’re on street corners, they sit in circles in the park laughing and playing guitars. How can you not want to be that? As I approach graduation, I find myself ready for it all to be over. I feel as though I could go the rest of my life without writing a research paper and be very very happy.

You will never make friends they way you make friends when you’re all stressing over the same assignment. You’re never going to see the country side they way you’d see it from a packed car of young Europeans blasting techno. And you will NEVER see ANYTHING like the the student bar during Ag Week ('Drag of Ag'...unforgettable).

Heres a good way of looking at it…PLEASE DON’T TAKE OFFENSE (I know I’ll never hear the end of this one…mom) Even when I’m in the States school is just more fun than home and you have such a short time to enjoy it as it is. Family is forever, school is not. School means new people, new discussion and doing things you’ve never done before. Family life is different from school life, family life seems to be the same no matter what country you’re in, and I’d argue the same for school.

How He Loves Us- John Mark McMillan

I miss Campus House. I miss God talk and Jesus discussion. I miss campus and people I know are gone only to return annualy at best.

I found a Baptist church here in Madrid but to be honest the effort of finding it, getting up early and Metro fare kept me in bed.

Everyone else has gone to an amusement park and I find myself in the apartment alone. I love rollercoasters but lets be honest they're kinda like zoo's, they're all the same and once you've seen a giraffe, you've seen a giraffe. And it was 30 euro. I've already run out of money, when we went to dinner they made me borrow 40 euro from 12 year old Alex.

Dinner. Tony Roma's, apparently its American, they say its from Florida. I think its the only place in Madrid to get ribs so the girls were hyped. After consuming plates of deep fried American food, the girls decide they want to go to Spain¡s hottest disco. We got into Tony Romas at eleven, out by midnight and then we looked for this disco for hours. Drinks in the gay district and back to searching for this club. We finally found it, three stories high, illuminated with different shades of cool blue lights and tons of well dressed young people looking the part.

Raqael, Lorena and Iría are all from Galicia. Galicia is to Madrid as Indiana is to NYC. Cruz´cooking is like my Gramma's meaning I'm two sizes bigger than comfortable and wearing a kelly green Target cardigan that is far from the european trends surrounding me. The dress was H&M but it was knee length, empire waist, covered in butterflies and I felt like my teacher attire had been sported a few weeks to soon.

We stood behind the velvet rope, Iria wide eyed and searching for answers. How do we get in? How are those people getting in? Is he famous? Dress code? How much is it? Do we belong here?

English speakers in front of us, so I was made to ask. They didnt know how much it was. Maybe 15, maybe 25, they werent in line, just smoking. Our mistake.

Velvet rope lifted and we bashfully sqeeze into a small rotunda of people buying tickets, we gaze at the mess happening inside, as if it were a movie shot with a blue filter.

Maybe my hesitancy showed on my face because Raquel offered to wait outside with me. Iria said she didnt know if this was our kind of place but that it was my call. I looked back through the doors. Strobe lights. Drink. Tempting. I turned back, 'I dont know, your call.' Iria said she didnt know. Meanwhile people swirled around us. They knew what they wanted, where they were going. I called it, we lifted the ropes, sqeezed through gate and group and into the first available cab.

Five More Minutes-OAR

I have to find a theatre in Madrid showing Harry Potter in english.

My feelings towards the Prado are a bit like my feelings towards shopping. Its a good thing to do alone because if I were with anyone they would judge how long I take on every painting and every store.

6 hours in the Prado! But I saw everything and loved every minute. Heres a tip, always get the audio guide. They're only a few bucks and always give more interesting information than the little panels. I will always regret not getting one at the Colloseum in Rome, I know I missed so much because of it.

My favorite? Hippomenes and Atalanta by Guido Reni. Atlanta had many suitors and said she would marry the one who could beat her in a race (the losers she would kill, ha!). Hippomenes loved her and during the race, he dropped golden apples which Atlanta stopped to pick up. He won! This may be my favorite peice of all time, beating out The Kiss by Klimt.

Last night I accidentally took the train to the last stop when I was supposed to get off at María Tudor. I saw lots of painting of María Tudor yesterday. Did you know she is who bloody marys

are named after? She killed a bunch of Protestants.

The security gaurds yell at me in Spanish. That MUST mean I look local. Finally! I try so hard.

I'll Make A Man Out of You- Mulan

We made our way into the city last night pretty late, got off the Metro at Banco de España and walked about a mile in the wrong direction. Turned around and walked back to find the Thyssen Museum. Waited in line to find the museum was closed, but there was a special exhibit open, some Antonio Lopez that we didnt know so we left. Heres where it gets good.

Rick Steves sucks, and no college age traveler should buy his books.

That being said, we were losing light and didnt know how to spend the time we had in Madrid. Rick Steves had said, let me quote this

Electric Minibus Joyride Through Lavapiés
''For a relaxing ride through the characteristic old center of Madrid, hop little electric minibuses #M1. These are designed mostly for local seniors who could use a lift (offer your seat if there's a senior standing). Enjoy this gritty slice of workaday Madrid both people and architecture....''

We finally find this bus. Iria eyebrows lift, she takes a fast breath and says 'No no no! This is for people with...problems.'
'Yes I know, its the old person mover, but its through the old town, lets just do it. The book says.'

So I shove Iria over to talk to the driver, book in hand. He confirms that this is that and looking skeptical, he allows us on. This was all wrong. It was just all wrong. The thing had 8 seats including the area for the wheelchair. We sat on the old person mover alone and waiting until an old lady got on...and then a nun, and she sat next to Dani. Then we rumbled into motion. Í'll give it to Steves, it was an okay trip...but we were NOT supposed to be on that bus. It was about 10 feet long, four seats across the back filled by myself, Iria, Daní, and the nun. People looked at us. Íria says to me quietly, 'I feel bad, like this is for people...we are young and we can walk.' At this time, Daní not having heard her looks at us, shoulders pulled forward and back hunched trying to be as small as possible next to this sweet old woman and says 'I feel very strange.'

So I agreed that since the bus was already full, if someone else got on, we would get off. We ended up riding to the end. Caught the Metro to Retiro Park (Central Park of Madrid). So we walked some more, bought caramel corn and listened to a trumpet play 'Summertime' possibly the best song ever.

But 'Summertime' is NOT todays post title. Why you may ask? Because yesterday Daní became a man.

By this time it was dark. We were cold and hungry and didnt know where the nearest Metro was. We start looking for dinner, and just as we decide its too late for Madrileños to eat out (10p) we see a sushi place. Daní is very picky, there are a number of things he doesnt like, and refuses to try including avocado. We make a deal, we all go into the su shi place and if he doesnt like it, he goes to McDonalds.

The first hurdle was the chopsticks. This took a while, and admitedly we've all been there and its tough. Long story short, Daní liked everything he ate (we called his mother) and it was the best su shi I've ever had. Tobiko? Never had those and we didnt know what they were. They're fish eggs, they pop and crunch when you bite them, best ever.

On the way to the Metro, we saw people with ice cream and a Vips.

They said 'You've never been to VIPS?! Its American!'
'No, I promise its not, I've never heard of it.' But it kinda was...burgers, fries, ice cream, the usual. We crossed the street to the Metro and saw a cool little gelato place where all the locals were. Dang. Oh well, I know what Vips is now.

Today, I take the city and Prado alone. Íria has friends coming in for the Blackeyed Peas concert tonight and Daní has already been there done that.

PS-Steves also sent us to a touristy gelato place the other day. It was in fact really really good gelato and worth it but the only other people in their were Americans. Note: In my opinion, when in Rome, get the Pistachio. When in Madrid, get the Leche Merengada (lemon cinnamon) OR the Dulce de Leche (carmelized milk) both were unbelieveable.

Alejandro-Lady Gaga

I dont think Alex, Alejandro likes it when I sing Lady Gaga to him at all given opportunity. I cant help myself. The boys dont like Gaga much, they call her a man, and Beiber a girl. Which is a bit ironic in that I sometimes find European men a bit more feminine than their American counterparts.

I like Madrid very much, given I´ve not seen much of it yet. We did go to the market Sunday, the biggest flea market in Europe but found nothing worth its price. Home base is a north side flat opened to us by Iria's Godmother, Cruz' sister.

Pool by day and terrace by night, Madrid is a tempting life full of sunshine and horchata.

One of the biggest difference I've found in Spaniards in their inner clock. At home, bedtime is midnight, and I´m generally up by 8 or 9am. Midnight, on more than one occasion is when we sit down to dinner. And I adore these dinners! When we landed in Madrid, given, our flight was in at 11 but we sat on the penthouse terrace under a dark sky and bright moon eating multiple cheeses with bread, fruit, yogurt, aquarius ( do you remember 'Tang'? this is that!) and of course Horchata. We dont wake until 11 or later, lunch at 2, dinner usually at 9 but sometimes later.

Julio jokes, telling me he cuts the grass every morning, reffering to the astroturf. He shows me his grape vine, plethora of herbs and plants he has brought to life on the terrace, I´m happy to talk plants.

Last night after dinner I sat on the warm, breezy terrace talking to (Godmother) Marise. Someone had turned the lights out on us and I joked about closing time...she brought up Dublin pubs. Not me. She told me about her first job, researching new technologies where she would meet with a team of other Europeans in a different country each month and she had been to Dublin a number of times. She smiled as she told me how fun the times were, spent with other young university researchers in foreign cities, when funds were heavy and the workload light. But all that has changed now she says. She tells that she would still like to see the north, I agree and the subject comes round to the IRA, and then the interesting part, the terrorist group of Spain, the ETA or Euskadi Ta Askatasuna. Marise explains that the IRA and ETA and the given situations are very very similar (apart from the religious thing, that doesnt play into the ETA, as everyone is Catholic). Basque country Spain wishes to be a free nation, and it being very industrial and very rich, Spain doesnt want to let it go. Although there are many languages in Spain including Galician, Castilian, Catalan, and Valencian, they're all similar to Spanish and at the least latin based. Euskera, the language of Basque Country is nothing like any other language in Europe and Marise says its roots may be in the northern European countries, some Norwegian type. These two organizations are so so similar in fact that they're friends, they fraternize, fleeing to one country or the other when warrants for arrest are awarded. ETA members also take refuge in South American coutries life Venezuela where one worked under Chavez' in the Dept. of Agriculture. (I´ve not looked any of this up, this was just Marise and I talking.)

Interesting stuff.

Our adult talk was ended by Dani's urgent desire for he and I to read. I say this sarcastically because Dani really hates reading in Ingles. I often call it 'Story Time with Dani', and tell him how FUN reading is but he doesnt take the bait. He just stares at me strait faced and unentertained when he says 'Are you speaking seriously?'

Yesterday we found stick on tattoos in bags of Cheetos. Enough said.

Rolling in the Deep- Adele

Raining in Galicia today. I wish I owned a hairbrush.

Addicted to You- Simple Plan

I have as good as gone through this weeks pay at the mall today. One Euro equals about 1.50 at the moment, but knowing this doesnt stop me from paying much more than I would in the States, this HAS to be some side effect of culture shock.

Have you ever seen Shopoholic starring Isla Fisher? See it, its a favorite of mine. Rebecca Bloomwood (Fisher) has a shopping problem and the film opens with her going further into debt by buying a green scarf. This specific purchase becomes symbolic in the movie in that when she gets the job as a financial writer, her pen name is 'The Girl in the Green Scarf'. Not sure when I'll become 'The Girl in the Starry Scarf' but like Rebecca, my movie is just beggining.

I first saw it while shopping in a town called Vigo (FUN FACT: Vigo's port brings in more fish than anywhere in the world apart from Tokyo). We were in one of Spains biggest shops, Zara (pronounced 'Thada') and the shop it so expensive, I didnt even look at the scarf but it caught my eye and I thought about it long after I saw it. So as we passed Zara today in Lugo, I had to inquire. There is was, under the bright lights and smelling like something beautiful, it was marked down to 13 euro...roughly 20 bucks. Never in my life would I spend 20 dollars on a scarf in America. Never. Ever. I'd put it back, I dont spend 20 bucks on anything but jeans...and athletic gear like swimming suits and running shoes. But I really would have regretted it, I love with it. I´m honestly in love with a garment.

Keeping student teaching in mind and the fact that my wardrobe currently consists of only of jeans and T's, the explansion of wardrobe is only necessarry.

The Glory Scarf. No regrets.

I Wanna Know- Phil Collins

Last night we had churros for dinner. It was amazing. Thick hot chocolate and sugar covered, deep fried in front of you churros. Best. Dinner. Ever. Seriously, sorry mom.

Iria told me today that she read my blog. My heart hurt. I was and am so ashamed. I refuse to delete posts because they are a file, a perminent glimpse at the feelings in that moment but I was ashamed. It is my very last wish to offend anyone, but I seem to offend a lot. I think its the ghetto in me.

My only experience at judging livestock is the dairy goat judging I did in high school as an FFA member. (We placed third at state...there were only three teams...) But its here I learned one of lifes great lessons, that apparently hasnt sunk in yet. You never ever point out a flaw in an animal, never mention a negative, you only place an animal over another for its superiority in some area. What wisdom.

And at YMCA camp, at the end of the week during the prayer walk, theres a story that tell kids to carve the good in stone, and the bad in sand. Always remember the good and the good in people, and forget the bad. What wisdom.

As we sat, Iria teaching me spanish her mom brought a geography book of Spain and Iria pointed out Galicia...and its flag. She knows what it means and I like it. The Galician flag is white for purity with a blue strip from the bottom left to the top right to symbolize the sea.

Today Carlos, Dani and I toured As Pontes on bikes. I was scared when I saw Carlos in biking shorts because this means heres serious. I´ve forgotten how fabulous bikes are. Dad always said bikes are the best way to see a place, which is why any vacation ever taken as a family had two bikes in tow. Speaking of Dad, hes looking at flights and wants to come ride El Camino de Santiago...kid hasnt seen Galicia. There are mountains and lots of them, but he tells me, 'You're strong enough to do what we want to do (no crime in walking a hill!).' This boys and girls is what we call delusional, but alas its how my family functions and to be honest its a great thing.

Back to. As Pontes is awesome and I´m ashamed I havent gotten out to see it before now. I think its funny that we stopped to look at two different dams. This is only funny because when Dad and I ride the trail to the Veledrome on friday nights in the summer, we always stop and sit at the dam. They showed me a really great park where I can run in the morning, it comes complete with a statue of Estrella Galicia, the regions beer. At the top of the dam I found the top spot, there were guys kicked the futbol around, and girls in the car blasting the euro music, chillin. Sail boat and kayaks on the water, clouds in the sky, bikes, water, music and chill. What more could you ask for? Then we raced down the mountain, shouting 'Hola's!' to the old men with canes and old women sitting on benches. I like As Pontes, theres a lot to see here, lots of little places to stick your head in and explore, and there are always old people walking around. I cant talk to them much but I like to think if I needed help, theres always someone around, they're just likely to be 80 years old. Nothing wrong with that.

Carlos and I are breaking down the communication barrier. Today he saw me sucking on honeysuckle and asked about it. ALSO! We played basketball. I'm pretty awful but I like to think its the rim. Dinner included bread and a tomato/garlic puree that was amazing. I keep telling them I'm going to make an American meal...but I´'m putting it off, 1. I´m scared I´m going to screw it up without Mom or a grandmother here to help. 2. Its so much work! Ugh, I can do noodles okay but then theres everything else, it just takes forever.

I want to make peach cobbler so while we were at the market, I tried to ask for oats...an almost failure. No one knew what hot cereal, nor oats were and I couldnt explain it, so we went to the cereal aisle, searched and found it. You drain the peaches before you put them in the cobbler right? I know how to do this, its easy and I've done it before, but that a pretty major step I cant seem to remember. But I'm pretty positive you drain them...you have to...I'm sure you have to.

Just got an email from Dad, he had told me the price of tickets and I suggested we wait until the off season for cheaper flights. His response:

Now or never?

The General Specific- Band of Horses

Fourth of July. Spain doesnt have an independence day. Apparently they've always been independent.

I hate that patriotism in American has been taken and made to be...redneck? I am proud to be an American. Iria hates when I say I am an American because the US is only part of north America, so I should not say I am from America, she thinks I should say I am from the United States. Much thought has brought me to the conclusion that I am American. Seeing as I am from America, and if the Chileans want to say they are American, so be it.

Today I was helping Iria study her english, one of the questions I had to ask her was 'Do you know what the symbols of your flag mean?' And she didnt. She said that the flag is something we American are very proud of, but here is Spain it is not a big deal. I dont have the flag painted on my garage or printed on the rear window of my car but hearing her say this made me think of the great pride I DO have in the flag and our country. She often points out the differences, the fact that big cars are not coveted here, everyone gets all of their medical needs for free and our education system is far easier than theirs because their undergrad is 5 years and to teach, they must do a year after that and she must go to the US because it is so much easier. All of this made me feel...well blessed I guess. I know we're overweight. I know we're probs not the most educated. We wear flip flops and floral tops (this is how they spot us apparently). All you know of our entertainment are the trash movies that you call the 'American movies' like 'American Pie' and 'Hot Chick'. And the majority of us only speak one language. (QUICK NOTE: The keyboard is different and I kinda refuse to take the time to figure it out, so punctuation is less than par)

I love that we have an Independence Day. I love that we fought for it and I'm proud that we fight to help others achieve it. I know thats controversial, and it can be argued and America has taken the sides maybe where they dont belong...but maybe we've done right a few times too. And maybe people are really happy we did. And maybe there are thousands that flock to our shores every year because its a great place to be. I am proud. I know what the flag stands for, and while looking at my passport, Iria and Dani asked about the eagle. I was a little surprised they didnt know what it stood for, I thought everyone did...then I realized that maybe I didnt. 'Um, freedom I guess. It was on the endangered species list, but now it isnt. Its the bald eagle. It stands for freedom.'

Life here is good. Its a beautiful country with beautiful people whom I cannot thank enough for their kindness. At the moment the only point of life here I struggle with is the lack of religion. I like going to church every sunday. I love that prayer is said over every meal and I miss that the most.

We may appear to be an overly proud nation, but I like to think our religion, even the DIVERSITY of religious belief, the sheer faith and religious practice Americans hold dear, is what sets us apart. Yes we stand for freedom, justice, and liberty but we stand by faith.

Cat in the Boiler

Not sure how to wrap up the last few days, I should have blogged better. I got into Spain and into Santiago just fine. During the 30 hours that was the trip, there is a lot of time to worry and think of the what ifs. What if I dont get in? What if they ask about the UK stamp in my passport, the one with the giant X through it? What if I get in but the ryanair flight I bought is only for Europeans OR the boarding pass I had Ania print me in Poland doesnt work because ITS IN POLISH? And if all of these work out, what if Iria isnt at the airport to pick me up? What do I do then?

Needless to say, I got in, got the ryanair flight and Iria was at the airport. I live in As Pontes, its a small town almost near A Coruna. We eat fish twice a day. I dont eat fish but have always said that I would eat what was put in front of me when a guest in someones house, and so I have. I am not picky, I´ll eat just about anything...or so I thought.

July in Spain is chalk full of festivals. San Juan is very cool, giant bonfires that burn all night long. Smaller fires are built for people to jump over, to cleanse people of evil spirits. San Juan is on June 25 (I think) the shortest night of the year. Beaches are full of people and their fires and you can always hear bagpipes(gaita). The next night was another festival for some catholic saint. We drove to Carlos´ brothers house, a dairy farm. It was amazing, the houses are all 100 plus years old, made of stone with slate roofs. Its incredible how similar their family is to mine in different ways but maybe everyone has that Uncle, the one that pokes and tickles, the trickster, the jokester. Everyone has the aunts who cook and dote on kids, and the grandmother with the plate of desserts who sends you home with Kinder Bueno bars. (score! these are my favorite candy bars, discovered in Ireland and not available in US) At the dinner table I dont know what is being said, but I laugh when others laugh, nod and look at speakers as if I totally understand. Anything said to me recieves the 'Si' response because thats all I can offer.

Carlos tells Cruz the story of how he asked me 'Would you like coffee?'

Everything said among family is spoken in the regional language of Galician, its a mix of Portugese and Spanish and I cannot understand.

I love that alcohol is always present but rarely drank. Carlos always drinks nonalcoholic beer and although white wine was on the table, everyone opted for water or Fanta. The only time I saw people drink was a little before lunch, and after dinner the my age kids drank before we went dancing at the fiesta. By the way, the boys know how to dance. Tengo and salsa kinda dance. Cruz, Iria and Dani's mother says all country boys know how to dance because its the only way to hang out with girls. And in the country there are many little festivals and fiestas and the boys have to know how to dance, at least the pasodoble, the regional two step. Carlos is a 50 year old country boy, always dancing.

With the help of Iria, I talked tractors with the cousins which was fun. They prefer John Deere, but I saw the neighbors bailing with Massey Ferg and I about spazzed. I´ve asked if I could come live and work on the dairy and they said they´d be happy to have me, so maybe this is where I´m bound after graduation. Must learn spanish. I´m learning a lot already, I´d love to be fluent. Iria and Dani often ask the difference between tough words like bitch and beach, shit and sheet, beer, bear and bird. Yesterday Iria asked me the difference in ´me too´ and ´so do I´ that was a tough one I had to think about.

Dani is 15 and loves to quote the Simpsons. He has taken to the phrase SHUT UP, after I corrected his ´SHUT UP YOUR MOUTH´. Sure wish I didnt teach him that because now he says it, and when I told him it was mean he says, ¨`Its a yoke! I am a yoker!¨`

Cant Go Back Now--The Weepies

The Weepies say "You cant go back now." I've always thought that phrase to simply be opinion. Theres always a way and I was going to find it no matter what it took...until tonight.

I walked home from the west tonight reminded of past memories that I cherish very much. I sat on the play place with three new friends talking of things that mattered the most to us. Very similar opinions and feelings were shared mostly about boys and how God fits into relationships with them. I looked to see Hazels old apartment. Here I had the choice, I could choose to delve into memories of her, the boys and Ireland, the night she, Jim and I sat in that very place and ate DQ. Or I could accept that that memory did in fact happen and that was life. Period. Moving on. No feelings attached, no heartache, no missing things, people or places. Knowing, acknowledging and realizing that I was on the play place, eating DQ with great friends in the present.

I walked by the boys appt. and had no feeling toward it. It was empty. They werent there.

I've met some really really great people here and I've made incredible memories, but thats all they are. Memories. Theres no sense in attempting to do it again. Theres no sense in trying so hard for something when God is begging you to listen and chill and take His way, the easy way, the one paved and set for you if you'd just stupid choose to trust it. But no. I want what I want and He can get on board if He likes...well thats been the previous attitude hasnt it?

Its difficult to let go of something so...desired. Especially when you have the power to make it happen. But it has to be done. The semester there was great. The semester with the boys was great...but its past, so lets dive into something more shall we?

Its easy to create your own way. There are so many routes in this life, and we are given the freedom and the most of us, the resources to make our dreams come true. So where does God come into that? When does His opinion get heard? Usually when you get deported and people say "Oh that wasnt meant to be."

Tonight one of the girls saw Jonah on my bible cover and said "Did you feel like Jonah when you were being held in the UK? Like they just spit you out?" Interesting. She went on to say that maybe I was told to go to Nineveh and went running the other way. And that great things can be done in our mishaps because that whole boat that Jonah was on got saved. Who knows what good would have been done if he went strait to Nineveh the first time, but the point being that our mishaps arent complete failures and they can be used.

I told how I was going on into Spain later in the month and didnt feel as though God were in that either, and it was another decision I'd made without Him...and He maybe even made me feel as though I shouldnt go but I really wanted to so I ignored it. And Lucy says "Do you feel like you're back here for a reason? Maybe you're supposed to be here." And I told her how difficult it was for me to tell now what was God and what was my own fear of being brought home again. "Well, if you're supposed to be here, by fish or by boat! You'll be here!" Beautiful. Just beautiful.

I can sit all day long and dream of what could have been and what I wanted to be...but what is the point when I am here now? There are people here. There is God here and he moved tonight. Its easy to forget that God, and friends with whom I can speak of spiritual things with are what I missed most when I was in IE.

I sat tonight in comfort with these girls knowing that we were on a level not everyone chooses to be on. A path quite narrow and I was blessed to have been in their acquaintance.

I want to say that its taken tonight to be able to say that I wouldnt go back if I could...but I think I still would. I'm happy to be here, that is true and I pray that someday I'm led back there but theres a peace in accepting that you cant go back now...and thats just fine.

Brad Paisley- American Saturday

After days of constant thought, I've come to my decision: I'm not attempting Ireland. I cant part with 5oo dollars I dont have for the chance to get in.

Theres a side that says take your chance, you said you'd come so do whatever you have to get there. That side of me wants to show up unannounced, suprise all those I'm going to see. I dream of that image, I always have. That was before Tuesdays flight jumped from $344 to $502. I cant do it.

I've a good job here and the opportunity to pay all my debts and more. The opportunity to finish up a couple online classes, lesson plans for next fall and the PeaceCorp. application. I'd be here for Clara and Darrens wedding. The sisters first babyshower. Italian Fest. The Indy 500. Garrett running in nationals. Fiddlers and Bean Blossum music festivals.

As I came back to the Coop, I remembered how much I love campus in the summer. Its HOT, you can wear pants, you're forced into lovely little sun dresses that you've missed all year. They're yellow and floral and match flip flops and big sunglasses. There arent people everywhere and the streets arent lined with cars.

And even as much as I love all of these things, I swam in the pool tonight thinking of everyone of these things that I love so much but my concluded thought was this: I've experience all of these things already. They're great and I love them but I have enjoyed them already, and surely there is someother great thing out there that I will love...but I will not/have not experience it yet.

And yes its a lot of money, but what is money in life if you have no stories to tell? You've no experiences.

When on the phone with dad from London he said "Lys, its an experience," (this was a part of the whole 'learning experience' convo) but it was an experience and...I'm just having difficulty letting go.

Every single little thing in my life reminds me of Ireland. Its all I've thought of all semester. When I dumped the contents of my backpack on the floor today, theres my irish cell phone. Tonight at church I noticed the only solitary hole in my jeans, from when I accidentally stabbed myself with an exacto-knife making Jim and Paud's going away presents. I delete Irish friends status updates on my facebook wall. I've taken all Flogging Molly, Drop Kick Murpheys and Christi Moore off my iPod and I hurt everytime I see the Suburu commercial with the little hockey boys in the green jerseys and the Pogues song.

I sound like such a mope. America really is not a bad place to be, I actually love America a lot...theres just a lot to see in the world and I've seen this. I've seen it, I've loved it, I want to see something else.

Chevelle-The Red

Now is as good a time as any to post on recent happenings. I've neglected and I'm sorry. I've not even journaled since before finals...cant bring myself to it.

Where to begin. Well, I'm in chicago staying with friends I'm blessed to have. How did this come to be? Sounded something like this

Aditya voicemail:"Adi hi, its Alyssa listen I'm stuck in Chicago (voice breaks) Please tell me you're here Adi, call me.

Adi: "Alyssa! Whats up? Whats wrong?"
Me: (Crying) "Its all my fault and I'm so stupid!"
A: "Where are you? What happened?"
Me:"I landed in stupid London and stupid said I was working in Ireland and I didnt have a work permit and they held me for 24 hours and they questioned me and then they sent me home!"*sob*
A: "Alyssa! Its okay! You have a place to stay, you are welcome to stay as long as you need."

So I left thursday. Drama finding my flight because it was with bmi who doesnt even fly out of ORD anymore but apparently bmi means United/Continental. Whateves. I left my only jacket in the van with the only camera. Fine. 7 hours later I land in London, an hour late, missed my connector but that was fine, they were ready with my next ticket that they re-booked. Fabulous. Stopped at flight connections "What are you doing in Ireland." Note, when you go to Au Pair in Ireland (which is apparently against the law) DO NOT say you're working. You're just visiting because really, thats also what I was doing.

So I sit in a detaining facility. And then I sit some more. And no one will talk to me or tell me really whats going on. They're short staffed and everyone you ask says "I DONT KNOW! I DONT KNOW YOUR CASE!" Grand. Thanks. So there was an Indian guy who showed me where drinks and food were and I said "Listen I know you dont know my case, thats FINE! Could you just talk to me please????" And he was real cool. He got real and after I explained my situation he said "Theres 95% your going home. Sorry. Theres nothing you can do." Fab. Great. Thanks. So Ireland was going to reject me, so England could not allow me to go to Ireland because then they'd be responsible for me, and they didnt want that. So then I had to get them to let me into the UK. So I interviewed and told what I would do for 2 months (travel) and how, I had the funds, and multiple friends in the area. I was very nice to everyone and very understanding and patient (not that I had any other option). I told the complete truth during my interview and then she left to tell her boss my situation and 5 hours later she returned with a smile on her face to tell me that I was rejected. I cried hysterically in front of 2 Irani men, 1 Greek and an a young guy from Gambia who gave me a stick of gum. I couldnt stop. I couldnt breath. I couldnt believe it.

It was 10pm. I should have been hanging with Jim Power and Padraic Bacon by now. I was supposed to meet Kate MeGarry at the airport 13 hours ago, did she know where I was? How long did she wait? At midnight they picked me up and took me to the place where I slept. I'm pretty positive it was a jail. The toilet was in the shower. There was no curtain on the window, it hadnt been cleaned from the last person who was held there. I was locked in. I remember lying there crying myself to sleep thinking "eI hope mom is thinking about me, becuase I'm thinking about her." I talked to her the next day and she told me she couldnt sleep because she was so worried. The only other thought while trying to sleep was for some reason about Tyler Reynolds. Kid travels a lot and I thought, Tyler wouldnt be crying if he were here right now. He'd be sleeping. He'd know that he was safe and everything was going to be okay, he wouldnt be crying right now. So why was I crying?

I did have limited communication to home, and Kate. While on the phone with dad he said "Lys- I know this sucks, I know and I'm sorry but Lys...I'm just so happy you're not in Pakistan." Haha, always with the silver lining. But hes absolutely right and I knew it. This wasnt Bridget Jones Diary, I wasnt in Thailand. I was in LONDON, people were okay nice to me. I was given my choice of free beverages and snacks, and for a very hefty price I could call home and friends in Ireland (special thanks to Padraic Bacon who was the first called and first to attempt action). So back to Pakistan. Dad sees the entire thing as a learning experience and hes right. He assured me that we're gonna make this happen and my summer will be saved. Hes there to put up money I know he doesnt have and "it sucks Lys--but its gonna be OKAY".

At 3 in the morning I was picked up and taken back to the airport see because they had to pick me up 5 hours before my 8am flight. Makes sense I'm sure to someone somewhere and thats all that matters. I hadnt eaten anything and drank nothing but water since the flight, Indian guy kept offering but honestly I dont know who could eat during all this. That is until I sat in this last holding room the "Womens room". I knew I was goin home, there was nothing I could do, there was a tv so I sat watching Gaga videos and drinking tea and eating tesco biscuits. 3 rounds of 'em! And yes the whole thing indeed sucked....but I got tea and biscuits and I was almost happy.

So I chilled and got back on the United flight that I came in on, same staff and they remembered me. We talked on the way over and they took pity on me and talked to me throughout the return flight.

I think I want to be a stewardess. When I landed in Chi I talked for a long time to the AerLingus girls who were really great and helped me out, I talked to the boss who called immigration for me. Everyone was willing to help and I appreciate it. But Amir...Amir was with Air Italia and he gave me his number and said he wanted to help and offered to let me stay at his house that night. Also said he knew people and would see what he could do for me...a little creepy but I'm sure he meant well but alas I called Adi.

To see John Dichiara's face when those elevator doors opened!

John is Adi's roomate. Adi's parents were visiting for the weekend so they went to dinner and John and I got deepdish. To be clean. To be home. To be with great company eating great food in a great city, its pretty priceless. I sat in the pizza parlour, late on saturday night people watching and talking to John about poverty in the tropics. I felt good. I felt blessed.

I screwed up, but I was okay.

22

Today is my birthday, the rents are coming up and bringing Anna. I cant wait to see her. I never see her, Em, or Dan but they are and forever will be my best friends. I was thinking today how amazing it is to have such friends, what makes them so? Time I guess. Love. Understanding. Truth.

Thats not what this post is about.

I know that people who go abroad cant stop talking about their experience. I know its annoying and I am sorry. But honestly, what I tell you is only half of what happened and only a fraction of what I am thinking about ALL THE TIME.

Lately I struggle. Do I go back? An issue I struggled with before I left. I am holding on to something I should let go of. It was one great semester, it came and it went and I cannot go back and do it over and yet I feel I have to try. Sometimes the ways in which I do not fit in here creep back into my mind and I dream of being in the Blackhole with Elaine and Bev. Things are just different.

Last night Sinead (the new UCD exchange) came out to Nine Irish with us. She was so terrified that they would kick her out because all she had to wear were Ugg boots. When I called she said "No seriously, all I have in converse and Uggs, do you really think I'd be let in?" I could not help but to laugh a little, half of our group were in jeans and Ts and Sinead looking fab thought she'd be kicked out. In Dublin, ye would have been. This whole idea brought to my memory the first night I went out in Dublin. Cormac came to pick me up and I wore jeans and a button up flannel and I asked "Do you think this is okay to wear?" But I didnt really ask to get an answer, haha so when he told me all the girls would be in dresses I replied "Oh I think this is fine." (What a dumpy stupid American, I'm-gonna-do-it-my-way idea!) How nieve I was! But this is a prime example of the epic-ness that is the irish ag girls. We walked into the Blackhole and with in (literally) 5 minutes, they had me in a little black dress, heels and accessories. I was thrown clothes and suggestions, hair makeup and we were gone. It didnt occur to me until last night that what they did was out of kindness sure, but it was what needed to be done because I simply would not have been let in.

And so, today I dream of going back. Showing up on Elaines doorstep to suprise her. Bringing a round at the pub with no ones previous knowledge of my being there. Suprise!! I'm back! Now lets be how we were before!! I know it wouldnt be, but if only for a night. If only for my closure.

I just want away from here. I want somewhere new that I've never seen. I want to see people. I want to be scared. That fear of being on your own, getting to new places all by yourself. Last night Sinead was telling me about Galway. I went to Galway with Dad and wasnt very impressed but she tells me its better than Dublin for night life. She tells me of a big rock they jump off of into the ocean. She says "Four year olds do it, its totally safe. I grew up doing it."

She grew up doing it. What did I grow up doing? Chasing trains. Today I chase dreams. I chase pavements. Today I am 22 and as I reflect on my life I am surrounded by blessings that are friends, family, good tea and good church. I've had a blessed life and I feel that I have so much more to do. But should I die at this age, I have led a brilliant life, and I wouldnt redo a second (maybe there are things I would take back, that feels like a different post all its own). I have been blessed with what I feel is an already fulfilled life. I know my God. I am ready to go should I be called. That is peace. That is love. That is joy.

(In the way of my dad) AAAAAAAmen.